1/4/01 - 10:24 pm It feels so good to be back at work after that far too lengthy vacation. I spent most of my vacation at home being a chuffer which means I didn't get to see my friends as much as I would have liked. I did get to see my cousin for the first time in over years so that was a bright point. Christmas itself went fine... I didn't really ask for anything this year so I didn't have anything to look too forward to, at least nothing realistic. I managed to make it back here a day early and was welcomed home by my grades... I ended up with a 3.33 after all. New Years went okay this year. I went over to a friend's house and just talked and drank. I had invited someone to go with me but she got a better offer and went out with friends. And then there was today, my first day back and my first day in my new position at work. Everything went well, I was just glad to be back. I just hope this year goes better than last year.

1/12/01 - 1:33 am I am tired... very very tired, but I can't fall asleep. The last few days have been exhausting with work and class but it hasn't helped my sleeping problem at all. Still too much thinking at night. I have had some pretty odd dreams in addition to my usual nightmare during the hours I've managed to sleep. Mostly dreams about the past, like back in high school, but some have been about an imaginary girl. For lack of a better term we'll call her the "dream girl"... which only makes sense since she's a girl and in my dreams. I haven't got a clue what she looks like, I just know she's average size. The color of her hair changes from dream to dream but it always smells like strawberries and apples. I actually know exactly where that smell comes from, we had a bottle of shampoo that smelled like it before. Anyway, we're always laying in bed and I always have my arm around her. Nothing sexual mind you, haven't had one of those dreams in a long time, just closeness. I have a couple people in real life that I wish "dream girl" would represent, but contact with them is few and far between. One of them I only ever see if I bump into her on campus. She always sees me first, always smiles, always says hello and always talks for a minute or two. I used to try to suggest that we should go out for drinks sometime, but she just wasn't interested, I don't blame her. The other person is someone I've talked about several times on here. I haven't talked to her in almost two weeks, haven't seen her in several months. They're the only two people right now that give me that funny feeling (pardon the high schoolish language) in my stomach and take away that empty feeling in my chest. But, I know nothing will ever happen. Expected things like that don't bother me much anymore, it's the little unexpected ones that are the killers. Take for instance an email I got tonight. It should have been a positive email, something I usually look forward to, but all it did was hurt. I doubt anyone would agree with me as to what was hurtful, and I know it certainly wasn't meant to hurt, but nevertheless it did. I don't know... I need to get to bed.

1/23/01 - 9:58 pm Well, it's been a week since I lost my old URL and no word from the Tripod people. I guess they accidentally shut it down or something and don't have the guts to admit it. Anyway, I'm back online with Tripod and a new URL for the time being... I should have my own domain up in a few days. Classes and work are going well, although the 8 inches of snow we got last weekend kinda threw a wrench into things. I couldn't get out of my parking lot until this morning because of the ice and snow that didn't get plowed or salted. Not too much else new really... my webcam is now going to be up almost all the time... but that isn't that exciting.

1/31/01 - 9:22 pm Ahhh.... it feels good to be in a new home... I just have to let everyone know that I have a new home. Classes have been a little annoying this week but that's nothing major. Work has been interesting though... things seem to be disappearing in our system and no one seems to believe us. Then there are the students that don't do what you tell them forcing you to talk to them again. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so rude. Then there's that other thing that's bugging me...

2/11/01 - 11:35 pm Things have been kinda busy around here in the past two weeks. Work has been unusually busy for this time of year, there seem to be a lot of problems that we can't fix. Then there's the CD project that only has about 6 weeks left before it's supposed to be due. The only massive bit of stress that I've had lately was finding out that my bank lost $140 of my money. They're "looking into it" but that will take five more days. This weekend was a pretty good one. I passed the A+ certification test on Saturday and got to go out and have some fun that night. I'm not looking forward to this week of course. I have a test tomorrow, V-day is on Wednesday, and I may have to go home this weekend to fix a computer. The parents are supposed to be out of town but they are willing to cancel their plans if I come home. That's funny... the only way I'm coming home is if they don't cancel their plans.

2/14/01 - 12:05 am So here it is again... another dreaded V-day. It's no secret that I don't like this day. I have lots of reasons... besides that fact that I've been single for the last 6 of them, the ones that I haven't been single for were all disastrous. Needless to say, I was not in the happiest of moods today, thankfully it was pretty busy at work so I didn't think much about it until I got home. Just when I was starting to feel really bad, wouldn't ya know it but I get a phone call from that special someone that always cheers me up. The fact that she picked the night before V-day to call me makes me wonder a little... but not enough to make me do or say anything stupid. Oh well... it made me happy for a little while at least.

2/18/01 - 4:48 am That's right, it's almost 5 am and I'm still up. Why am I still up you ask.. because I'm drunk, 8 shots and 5 beers drunk, that's why. My day was a good one. My night was okay... but only because I dream about the impossible. I didn't get to shoot pool like I wanted to, but that was okay... recuperation is more important than pool. I did get to spend time with that special someone. I do wish I was as special to her and she is to me. Oh well, a few minutes of happiness is better than a lifetime of loneliness. It's funny how much I look forward to those minutes. I'm not obsessed or anything... I've gone months without talking to her in the hope that she'll call me first. I think that worked once... but only because she needed someone to talk to. I'm really good at that... listening to people. Talking, I'm good at that too... but not about my feelings... I've learned my lesson when it comes to sharing my feelings. Never tell them how you feel, never confide in them. Write it down, talk to yourself, but never to anyone else... you lose friends that way.

3/8/01 - 11:34 pm Things have been pretty busy lately. Work has had its slow moments but this project thing has been keeping me busy. Classes are okay. My one class isn't going as well as I expected... but it isn't going that well for many people so I don't feel too bad. The really great thing is that someone can finally go down to the beach with me this year. It took 6 years to get someone that I asked down there, but it finally happened. It isn't just anyone either, its that special someone that I've drunkenly talked about several times before. She's said that she could go before... but this time she's already bought a new bathing suit so I'm sure she means it. At least one more of her friends is going too... and if we're lucky, a third friend. Anyway, I'm happy... now I'm really looking forward to the beach.

3/15/01 - 12:04 am I had more crappy hours today than good ones... but the good ones made up for it. It's no great secret that I don't like my birthday and haven't for a number of years. Things started down hill last night with my annual "about this time X years ago I was on my way to the hospital" call from my mother. The down hill spiral continued for most of today... work was far less enjoyable than usual. Then I got a couple phone calls tonight... one I was expecting, the other shocked the hell out of me. Long story short, I went out and had a couple beers with the special someone. A pretty good end to a pretty bad day.

3/26/01 - 12:14 am Things were going pretty well for me until last Wednesday. Within 15 minutes, I went from a happy almost-graduate to 13 credits short. Its amazing how many times I've been screwed over by my advisors over the years. Things have not improved much since then. I got about 5 hours of sleep between Wednesday night and Friday. Friday was better only because of happy hour turning in an evening a pool playing followed by a good night a alcohol induced sleep. I'm on break this week but will be spending most of it meeting with more advisors.

3/29/01 - 11:52 pm This week has really crawled along. I have spent most of my time waiting for people to return my many calls. I've only gotten one return call so far, and it wasn't the best news, but it wasn't the worst. I'm really looking forward to this weekend despite having this very annoying clogged sinus thing going on. On the bright side, this should be my one illness of the season so I should be good for the beach. Hrm... I seem to be in a far better mood than I should be... must be the cold medication... or maybe the "Charlie's Angels" DVD I got the other day. God bless Underoos.... God do I ever need a girlfriend...

4/6/01 - 2:01 am March 21st... that's when it all went wrong... or at least started to go wrong. On March 20th I was ready to graduate... ready to get on with my life... ready for whatever lay in front. I had someone that finally wanted to go to the beach with me... I was ready to pay all of my debts... ready for anything. Now I'm not graduating until August. Now my friend doesn't know if she can go to the beach. Now I'm going to be so in debt that nothing can make it better. In the past week I've found out that my grandmother has stage two Alzheimers, my dad is very down because one of his best friends is near death, that I owe the IRS money, that my friend might not be going to the beach, and that the former love-of-my-life is getting married in June and didn't even tell me. For a long time now I've prayed on countless nights simply not to wake up in the morning. Never more than now do I wish it to happen, for my only salvation is work... but then again I'm drunk...

4/11/01 - 1:28 am Well, my dad's best friend passed away on Friday and my parents went to the funeral on Monday. They said they've never seen so many people at a funeral... they said it was like a high school reunion. I've always found it ironic that you never really know how many friends you have until you're funeral. Anyway, now my parents are off on vacation which I'm sure won't be much of a vacation. My week has been tolerable at best so far. Last Friday was a bit rough for obvious reasons... one of my worst hangovers ever. Monday and today were nothing special... just class and work. Hopefully something good will happen this weekend.

4/16/01 - 12:28 am I am really beginning to hate weekends. Nothing bad happened this weekend, nothing good either... absolutely nothing happened this weekend actually, that's part of the problem. This weekend was so absolutely mind-numbingly boring that I would have happily looked forward to an elective root canal. To make matters worse, it was a long weekend. I know that one day I will long for the weekend again, but for the moment, I'd rather be at work.

4/17/01 - 2:36 am Oh my... over four hours chatting with someone and your whole life may change. It may or may not have been an eye-opening night for me, I can't tell. The only thing I do know is that someone who I'd rather not know one of my secrets does know, whether its good or bad I can't tell yet. I'll have to wait until tomorrow night.

4/20/01 - 1:33 am I called someone like I was supposed to Tuesday night but they weren't home and haven't called me back. I don't like the way this feels. Once again I've told the wrong person the wrong thing and it's going to cost me. I guess I still haven't learned my lesson. I am looking forward to tomorrow night, lots of beer drinking I hope. The party is even close enough to my place that I can safely stumble home.

4/21/01 - 4:14 am For once, things are okay. Tonight was far better than I expected. Not only did I get to go out with a good friend, but I also got to go out with that special someone that I thought I screwed things up with. Things felt different tonight... I'm not an optimist so I know I wasn't just putting a positive spin on things. I don't know... I've seen too many specials about what "signs" someone gives you when they're interested to you, and I was getting them tonight... before people were drunk. Even if I'm wrong, it was still a great night.

4/30/01 0 12:07 am A quite amazing weekend if I do say so myself. I didn't get to go out and do anything this weekend other than work most of the day on Saturday. While I was at work, I got a voice mail message from a good friend telling me that she finally got engaged. Needless to say, I was happy for her. I had a feeling that it would happen before the beach. I'm glad it did because that's more reason to get drunk down there. Anyway, The List has been changed accordingly and now has a vacant spot. I'm not too sure if its good that I can't come up with anyone for that fifth spot. Anyway, congratulations to her. As for school, its finals week here and I can't wait to get it over with.

5/7/01 - 11:10 pm Well, another chapter in my life has come to a close. Tonight is my first night in my new home... or at least my home for the next three months. I'm really looking forward to this summer but it isn't going to be easy. Someone very special to me will be moving away soon, and moving much further away than I had thought. Since she's moving so far so soon, she is most likely not coming to the beach with me. I'm not surprised by that in any way. With any luck I'll be too busy with work and stuff for that to bother me too much. Oh well, off to bed... I've got a long day of cleaning to do tomorrow.

5/15/01 - 10:55 pm It's been a long week or so since my last update. Last week was fairly boring with all my cleaning and moving. It didn't really have a high point... but it sure did have a low point. It seems that my wisdom teeth decided to start acting up on Wednesday and they're going to have to come out before the beach. I'm not too worried about it... I just need to get them out ASAP. The weekend wasn't anything spectacular, made a trip to Sam's Club for some meat for beef jerky and that's about it. I was finally allowed to go back to work yesterday and I don't think I've ever been so glad to do grunt work. Spent a few hours talking to friend and co-worker last night at the mall and learned some interesting things. Rumor has it that I'm going to be spending a lot of time at the TSC this summer, which in and of itself doesn't surprise me. What worries me is why I'm going to be there. It seems that when RNC's are requested for jobs, I'm not allowed to be picked because I'm going to be in the TSC. Once upon a time we had an RNC that wasn't quite doing his job and as a result got assigned to a less than exciting task over and over again. Now... I don't think I've done anything wrong, and I know that anal quality I have for doing jobs right can get on peoples' nerves, but I can't see being punished for that. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

5/21/01 - 12:21 am Today just wasn't a great day. I managed to get plenty of sleep last night which should last me through the week, assuming everything goes well with my surgery on Tuesday. I was hoping/planning on going to see a movie today but there are a miscommunication as to what was supposed to happen. At least that's what I was told... which does make me feel slightly better. I'd rather it be a mixup than me just getting blown off. Anyway, I found out about the mixup around 10pm when I got a phone call. I spent about an hour and a half listening to two drunk women giggle and goof around. Sometimes I wonder about those two. Anyway, long story short, I went over there for a few minutes. By the time I got there, one of the two girls was practically asleep. I have no idea why I even went over there... well... I do... it was probably one of the last times I will ever get to see her. Anyway, with any luck I'll get to see her for a little while tomorrow. Chances are good that this was the last time I will ever see her friend, which is a shame. They both seem so happy when they're together. Time for bed.

The section below consists of thoughts written while I was on vacation in NC.

6/5/01 - 5:47 am Well, here it is almost sunrise of the third full day of vacation and things are going very well so far. We don't have full house again this year, but we do have more than last year. It still isn't perfect, the house isn't full, no one I invited made the trip, and the queen bed I'm sleeping in this week still has just me in it. That last thing doesn't bother me too much this year because there are two other single people in the house. The other two singles are really nice and easy to get along with so I think the rest of the week should be great. The only true bummer of the week is the one friend that couldn't come down. I had my own reasons for wanting her here, not least of which was her impending exit from my life. Now that I'm here and have met everyone, I really think that she would have enjoyed this week. One of the other singles seems like someone that she would be attracted to. Yes, that would be counter-productive as far as my own dreams are concerned, but so long as she's happy. As far as what we've done down here so far... not much really, but that's the point isn't it? We did a little of the drinking game thing tonight which always makes me happy. After that we did a little night swimming and the played "Spades" until 5am. Then we talked for a few, which I really enjoyed. That brings me up to right about now... bed time.

6/6/01 - 3:16 am I only got 4 hours of sleep last night but it didn't seem to affect me too much today. We didn't do much of anything today except watch a couple movies and play "beer pong" tonight. Everyone got involved which was very goo. On the emotional side of things... it wasn't as good of a day as yesterday. It seems as if I'm falling into the same old trap that I always fall into. I'm doing my best to fight it off... looking at the person I see in the mirror every morning seems to help. That's kinda my reality check I guess. I do think I've found a kindred spirit who seems to have some of the same thoughts that I do. We both seem to have that desire to sleep with someone... not sex... just sleep. We both also seem to have issues with people in relationships sleeping with people other than their bf/gf. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I'll have to do my best to avoid the trap again.

6/7/01 - 5:37 am Another day of not much going on. Today we made our annual trip down to Howard's Pub for some great food and beer. We attempted to stop at the Hatteras Island lighthouse so we could climb it, but it was closed because of a thunderstorm. The ferry ride over to Howard's was a bit damp... it poured down rain actually. Howard's itself wasn't the greatest again this year. The food was wonderful, it always is, but when it came time to get the checks, the same thing that happened last year happened again. Out of a table of nine people, everyone got their check as a couple except me. I must give off some kind of single person vibe... or maybe the waitress just looks at me and thinks "he must be single, who the hell would go out with him." On the way back from Howard's we stopped and got some frozen custard at Uncle Edy's... it was yummy. After we got back, the two single people and myself spent hours talking in the hottub. I think I asked just about every good question that I've ever asked anyone. In the grand scheme of things, it was a good night... I think some people heard what they needed to hear and others were given a gentle nudge in the right direction. The Q&A session is still going on actually... I left though because I thought I'd be intruding. It's getting light outside... time for bed I think.

6/8/01 - 9:00 am Oh good lord am I ever hungover. I forget what time I went to bed, but I know that I can't sleep anymore today... so I might as well write this stuff. The only big group activity that we did yesterday was to go play miniature golf. This year was by far the most disappointing year for golf... I didn't do well, and the course really was in bad shape. After we got done we kinda split up. Some of us went to see Pearl Harbor, some of us went back to the house. I went back to the house and started drinking. Long story short, I drank way too much and drank far too much of it by myself. I have this strange feeling that, for the most part, I'm the only single person left in the house.

6/9/01 - 12:36 am Well, I'm all packed and ready for a long day of driving starting in about 10 hours. I'm really looking forward to being back at work and back in Mo'town. I spent most of last night by myself trying to give the fledgeling couple room to talk and stuff. I really was not expecting this to happen but I can't say that I'm surprised. On the bright side, it did give me time to pack and finish up some beer I had left over. Well... I guess that's it from NC...

6/17/01 - 11:53 pm I've been back from the beach for a week now and still haven't had time to type my thoughts for this page. Last week was a pretty good week. Work was fairly enjoyable eventhough I had a lot of time where I had to sit and do nothing. Class was fine, way too boring for as hot as the classroom was. Unfortunately, this past week means that there is one less week for me to see my special friend. I went out with her tonight and Friday night, and while I enjoyed both nights, it only makes me realize how much I'm going to miss her. I have been advised by a number of people to "take a chance" and tell her how I feel. I honestly don't know if its worth it... it never has been before.

7/1/01 - 9:25 pm Wow, I only wrote one thing for this page for June. I finally got around to scanning and posting stuff for my trip to the beach this year. Still haven't managed to type in my thoughts from that week though. As for the rest of June, it was less than wonderful. Work went quite well even if it was horribly boring at times. I finished my classes and should now be able to graduate... assuming I don't get screwed over yet again. The worst part of June was my friend leaving. I took some from someone down at the beach and shared some of my feeling with her before she left. She did still talk to me the next day, which I guess is a good thing... but I doubt I'll ever see her again. In the past week or so I've been giving a lot of relationship advice to various people. I kinda feel like I'm talking out of my ass... what the hell do I know about relationships anyway? Some people don't understand that they need to keep a good thing when they have it. Others don't understand when to ditch a bad thing. And still others don't understand what they could have, if they would only take the chance.

7/4/01 - 12:19 pm Got a call from a friend this morning wanted to know where she should send my wedding invitation to. What a great start to my 4th of July. At least it put me in the mood to drink and to finally type out all of the stuff I wrote while I was at the beach.

7/8/01 - 9:55 pm Oh boy... I really needed to get drunk this weekend. The long graduation story had what I hope was it's last chapter on Friday. I went and filled out all of the necessary forms and paid my graduation fee. I had hoped that was it.... but as usual... the advisors here at WVU found yet another way to screw me over. My advisor called about 10 minutes after I got back and told me that there was a "mistake" on my transcript and that I was still a credit short of graduation. Needless to say, I was slightly upset. Long story short, she called about about an hour later and said that since the mistake wasn't my fault, they were going to "give" me the credit. I don't know... if they hadn't of "given" me the credit I may have had to "give" them a big fat lawsuit. Its not like three separate advisors all looked over my transcript and told me I was ready to graduate... that would seem to make all three fairly incompetent wouldn't it? Anyway, I'm finally getting the hell out of here.

7/21/01 - 11:42 pm So many thoughts... The past few weeks have been one long lesson on being nice and it's rewards. I have spent a great deal of time listening to people talk about their relationships, and an equal amount of time thinking "people annoy me." I have a thousand things I want to say to people but no tactful and ambiguous way of doing it here. Maybe some generalizations... First off, if your relationship started with your partner cheating on their bf/gf with you, expect to be cheated on. Second, if you treat your partner like crap, expect not to have a partner for very long. Third, if you're the one being treated like crap you have three choices... break up, confront your bf/gf, or deal with it on your own. Forth, if you don't like certain people hitting on you, don't pay them any compliments (especially true if the person hitting on you is a male). Fifth, defend your confidant... make sure certain people know that your confidant is just listening to you, and in some cases, trying to keep people together. Sixth, be considerate of the people you complain to. Some perpetually single people hate hearing things like "I don't know which one to choose, I like them both," it tends to make them want to snap your head off. Seventh, once you break up... that's it... you're broken up... you've lost any privileges you had in knowing anything about your ex's personal life. Lastly and most importantly... appreciate what you've got while you have it... there are an awful lot of people that would give anything to have a fraction of what you have. So what have the past few weeks taught me? Well, they've convinced that I will meet my end while helping someone... like holding the door open for someone only to be crushed by a falling piano that I wouldn't have been crushed by had I gone inside insted of holding the door open. I've never expected any kind of reward for being nice, but I didn't expect to be punished for it either. Oh well... on to something that worries me more. Got a phone call from a friend tonight that sounded on the verge of tears. Long story short, my sixth sense is correct again and I'm back to being worried about her. I know that she'll make it and that someday she'll be happy... I just wish she'd give certain people the chance to make her happy a little sooner. But, I agree with her, attraction is a two way street. Some people drive the beautiful cars, and others drive the wrecks. Even wrecks can have nice interiors though.

7/23/01 - 9:32 pm Well if that just wasn't a super fun two days I don't know what is. I went home on Sunday to fix a couple computers and to see the dentist. I only managed to get one computer fixed... the other was pretty much fried beyond repair. Guess I'll be trying to fix that over the next couple weeks. On the bright side, the one friend that I was worried about seems to be okay. It's not like her situation would have worked out anyway... that whole cheating thing I was talking about before have a way of coming back to bite you. Hrm... that's about it for now I guess. Its going to be a good week at work I think.

8/12/01 - 11:40 pm A whole lot has happened since my last update. The relationship advice that I had been giving out in recent weeks seems to have taken hold and some people are now much happier. Unfortunately, amidst all this advice I came to find out how truly pathetic and cowardly some people are, and how badly in need of professional help some others are. Before I go any further, let me just say that unless I actually mention your name here, then you can assume that I'm NOT talking about you. If you're paranoid enough to think I am, then please, seek help. On to slightly happier things. In the past few weeks I've come to realize that I know some of the most perfect women in the world. I'm not just talking perfect in the physical sense, I mean perfect in intelligence, spirit, strength, everything. While I still have my hopes about a relationship with one of them, simply being able to talk to them makes me very happy. One in particular makes me happy simply by thinking about her. My relationship radar went on the fritz long ago so I can't tell if she feels anything for me beyond friendship, and given the number of miles and states between us, I don't know if I'll ever be able to find out. Oh well, as long as she's happy, right? Other stuff... work is about to get very interesting... students return on the 16th and we'll finally get to see if we're ready. Last thing for now... Blues Traveler is going to be playing here for FallFest!!! Anyone wanna come?

8/19/01 - 1:21 am Well... I've been a WVU Alumnus for over 24 hours now... and I don't feel much different. Today is a friend of mine's birthday... I wish I could be there to celebrate it with her. I've worked between 11 and 13 hour days the last three days and have enjoyed every minute of it. There is just something about work related stress that makes me feel alive... I just wish there was something or someone else that made me feel the same way. Oh well.... I'm drunk... time for bed.

8/28/01 - 11:10 pm Things have calmed down a lot for me at work this week. Eventhough it's only Tuesday I can tell that I might actually have some down time this week. Not too much else to report really other than the whole not-getting-paid-for-at-least-another-two-weeks thing. That's really going to suck.

9/11/01 - 11:35 pm I was planning on writing a fairly long update tonight as to what has been going on in my life as of late... but after today's events, my problems seem fairly insignificant. As many people probably did, I felt about a hundred different emotions throughout the day. Unfortunately, the most prominent and lasting is anger. I was okay until I saw the pictures of people in arab countries dancing and celebrating this disaster. I don't recall ever seeing entire American cities celebrating terrorist disasters in other countries. I have always been a believer in strategic military retaliation... we do not have to bomb "innocents" to exact our revenge, military targets are more appropriate and humane. But that changed after today. There are no "innocents" when everyone in a city is celebrating a terrorist attack. There must be retaliation, and it must be complete and indiscriminant. Bomb anything and everything... leave nothing standing. That's it for now.

9/17/01 - 11:11 pm Needless to say, it was a long week. Besides the endless news programs and discussions about the attack, work was not exactly stress free and I didn't get paid. Other things have been weighing heavily on my mind as well, mostly the same old life stuff that usually bothers me. Unfortunately, the thing that usually cheers me up has been made a lot less enjoyable in recent weeks. The reason for this is known to everyone I work with. I have to deal with it the most and have been praised for my patience... others have said they would have gone crazy or killed it by now. Oh well... it will be over with soon.

9/23/01 - 11:23 pm It was a fairly boring weekend for the most part. The football game was okay, although I was very disappointed when the band brought out the American flag with 35 stars on it. Just because it was a really big flag doesn't mean you can skimp on the stars. I spent a lot of my other free time writing emails to the bosses, which was a lot harder than it sounds. I did have one very nice surprise today. Don't want to go into detail about it though, don't want to jinx it.

10/3/01 - 11:32 pm Oh my, what a week. For the first time in years, eight years to be exact, I did not send a birthday card to someone special. It was partly by choice, and partly by circumstance I guess. She did get married and move without saying anything to me... and she never returned my emails... but I still could have sent her a card, I'm sure her parents would have given it to her. It doesn't really matter anyway, it's long past time for me to bury those memories. On the bright side, I didn't think about her at all today until I typed the date for this entry. Someone else has been occupying my thoughts lately, which is a good thing. I got to talk to her for quite a while tonight and we've made tentative plans to do something next weekend, although I have no clue as to what. As per usual, I am horribly confused about just about everything. Any kind of emotional radar that I once had has long been broken so I'm not too good at figuring things out. And to make matters worse, I'm out of my normal comfortable environment and in a wholly uncomfortable one. Whatever happens will cause 100 questions before, and 1000 questions afterwards. Once again, I don't want to say too much, that's how things go badly. I will say that I'm scared out of my mind about next weekend.

10/7/01 - 7:42 pm After the past two days I need next weekend to get here in a hurry. I do not care to repeat what has been said to be over the past couple of days, but I can say the novelty of being in this place has worn off already. As usual, someone's words of "support" are more harmful than helpful. Its funny how a person that considers themself to be an expert on "words" can be so amazingly bad at using them. The nearly endless weight and relationship crap I've heard this weekend was only briefly halted when I mentioned my plans for this upcoming weekend. That spawned more questions which I didn't want to answer. Anyway... need this week to go fast.

10/12/01 - 10:36 pm Okay, today was nearly a perfect day. I got a bunch of stuff done that I needed to and finally got to see someone again. I am far less confused now than I was before, but now things just feel awkward. Like I've said before, I'm no good at this relationship thing anymore, at least not the early parts anyway. My heart nearly stopped a few times tonight simply being out with her, the whole "first move" thing could actually kill me. My parents haven't gotten a chance to meet her yet, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It isn't the initial meeting that I'm worried about, its everything after that... all on the parents side of course. Anyway, with any luck I'll get to see her on her way back through town.

10/17/01 - 12:29 am I'm back to having problems sleeping again. I seem to toss and turn for hours on end, and when I do fall asleep, I wake up late the next day. To make things worse, I've been having really bad dreams the past couple of nights. I don't usually remember my dreams, at least not all of them. In the past couple nights I've dreamt about ex-girlfriends, lost loves, people I never got to say goodbye to, people I never wanted to say goodbye to, old classes, old test and a bunch of other stuff. I've tried to figure out what any of it means, and so far I don't like what I've found out. I do know what can make it better, and I think I almost have half of it... the other half will eventually happen.

10/23/01 - 1:44 am My sleep problems continue and seem to have turned into hunger problems. I haven't been very hungry for the past few days. Went almost 40 hours with nothing but water a couple days ago. One gigantic stress seems to be causing it, and having the parents around for five straight days didn't help. Oh well, a friend sent me a link tonight and it made me laugh and feel better. It's an anti-Taliban Flash animation and its pretty damn funny. Its from Stileproject.com (if you've never been there... DO NOT go there) and since I don't like that site I've put the animation here. I also found a second animation that isn't as funny and is more graphic, find it here. They both require Flash 5.0 or better and they just aren't funny without sound.

10/25/01 - 11:30 pm It's been a boring but okay couple of days. Took a friend out to dinner last night and it turned into a celebratory dinner when I found out she got a promotion at work. I also spilled the beans to her about a certain someone in my life. I figured it was time and I was past the point of "jinxing it." That should make the certain someone happy... and the fact that she's on my Friends Page now. I did get to talk to her briefly last night too. She's a very busy girl so I didn't get a chance say much, it was just nice hearing her voice. Hope I get a chance to see her again soon.

10/31/01 - 11:18 pm Been a pretty crappy week so far and it isn't going to end well either. I have a busy day tomorrow and need to get some sleep but I have a feeling that I won't get much. Been fairly distracted for most of the week, can't seem to concentrate on anything. Wanted to do some drinking this weekend but that ain't gonna happen. Might go see the new Pixar film on Friday night just for something to do. One thing does keep bugging me though... its when I'm flipping through the channels and I keep seeing the elderly nun with the eye-patch on one of the religious stations. It just freaks me out... of course she's not as bad as that horribly fake pink-haired lady on another station. The nun is freaky but the pink-haired lady is disturbing.

11/7/01 - 12:18 am Oh boy... lots to talk about. It's been over a week since I've heard from that certain someone. I'm guessing she's horribly busy with school and work, but I will admit that I'm worried I said something wrong in our last conversation. It seems like I've spent most of the week waiting for people to get online or for the phone to ring. I've been waiting for two different phone calls from companies about interviews. I've been assured that someone will be calling for an interview... not just one of those "we'll call you" deals. I've also had some really weird dreams the past couple nights, the type of dreams that I don't usually have. People that I haven't thought about in years keep turning up in them. All of this led me to do something kinda stupid tonight. I've done it before and its always turned out the same, no reason why it shouldn't. I always hope that it will be different one of these times, I suppose that's why I keep doing it. I don't think it made things any worse, at least not in a way that matters. Need to do something good this weekend.

11/14/01 - 9:38 pm It's been an eventful seven days. Got one of the calls that I was waiting for last week. Started and ended that job already. It really really sucked... did not agree with my personality at all. I didn't get fired or anything, in fact, I helped the company out because they had no idea what they were getting me in to. Anyway, I'm on to another little job for now. Its kinda boring but a lot more enjoyable than the last one. I did hear from a friend I haven't heard from in a week or so. I was right, she has been very busy. She has four tests this week so it doesn't look like she'll be any less busy any time soon. Hrm... what else... oh, had an anniversary of sorts a couple days ago. Not one I'm particularly proud of, but something I remember nonetheless. All in all things are going okay, most aspects of my life need a lot of work but every now and then I see a little glimmer of hope. Guess that's it for now.

11/15/01 - 11:19 pm Glimmer of hope my ass. Nothing like being on the receiving end of a cruel joke to put things in perspective.

11/18/01 - 11:58 pm This is probably the last update until next Monday seeing as I'm being kicked out of my room for a week. No room means no computer, at least not for long enough to do an update. I'll be spending the next week in the spare room, or as I call it, "the white wicker room from hell." I spent most of today cleaning my room for the company and moving everything around. No idea why I had to move my bed, tv, and most of my stuff... I'm just going to have to move it back. Do you think company is going to notice or even care that my bed isn't centered in the room... then why the hell do I need to move it? Their entire house is just slightly larger than my room, do you really think the fact that my tv is at an angle on the top of my dresser is going to bother them? Anyway, I'm not expecting much out of this week. Since the company doesn't have a car or a drivers licence, guess who will be driving them around all week? Tuesday I pick them up from the airport, Wednesday is a rest day for them, Thursday is that holiday thing, and they want to go shopping on Friday and/or Saturday. Not just shopping mind you, but shopping around DC!! Are they insane?!?! Shopping around DC the day after Thanksgiving?!?! One of them has only ever been in this country once, so maybe we could pick something slightly less stressful for her second trip other than shopping on the busiest day of the year... like defusing a bomb or something. And the real kicker is that they really can't buy anything... they can't get it home anyway because of a funny little thing called import/export laws. As for T-day itself, this will be my first one home in a number of years. Unfortunately by being here and not having anyone to bring I'll be breaking a promise I made to myself four or five years ago. That's my first broken promise in almost seven years. I didn't break it on purpose though, I really did think I would have someone to invite. Even if she couldn't come, I could still show my face at the table and say "she would be here if she could." Things just didn't work out that way though. To end this day in a perfect way, I was just informed that someone I had my first real crush on just got married. Oh joy of joys... I think that makes all of my ex's and love interests either engaged or married... hrm... if that just doesn't cheer me right the hell up. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work tomorrow and then a craptastic week... with any luck I won't make it through it.

11/27/01 - 12:53 am Well, I made it... a week with company and I'm still here. To sum up my entire week in one word.... ARRRRRRRGGG!!! Okay, it isn't exactly a word but you get the idea. The week wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. It started off great when I got to talk to someone special on the phone for a few minutes. I was hoping to get to see her on her way through the area but I wasn't going to hold my breath. Wednesday was not a fun day at all... started off with me sitting in a bank for almost an hour and a half waiting for my company to open a bank account. Why was I waiting you ask... well, neither of them have a drivers license so I had to drive them there. After that I took a trip to Sam's Club to pick something up... a very long trip... a two and a half hour trip. This trip should have taken a maximum of a half hour but for some reason the traffic really sucked that day. T-day itself was okay. I would have rather been any number of places, but I had little choice. I managed to get out of the trip to DC on Friday thanks to my company's old college friend. Might as well let him shop and play tour guide, he knows DC better than I do anyway. Saturday wasn't a great day, mostly because I got to sit in the same bank for yet another hour or so reading the same for magazines I had read two days earlier while waiting for someone to open a mutual fund account. Sunday was just plain boring. Now I'm back in my room and back online. Its one thing to not be online because you're away at the beach or something, it another thing to not be online simply because you can't get into your room. Oh well, I survived.

11/30/01 - 12:01 am This week has had its moments. I am once again gainfully employed, though not at a job I want. The hours are pretty good, 5pm to 11pm, which means I don't see the parents that much. It will give me time during the day to find something I want to do and do other stuff. The real downer of the week has been the cancellation of the beach trip for next year. Out of the people that went last year it looks like I'm the only one that can or wants to go. The house it mine for the taking, but I can't afford to take that kind of risk right now. I'm hoping to round up some other people for a slightly smaller house later in the summer. I'm not really holding my breath though... in the six years I've gone down to the beach no one I've ever invited has gone. Anyway, for anyone that reads this, let me know if you would like to join me at the beach this year... the sooner I know the better the house. Not too much else going on really, just waiting for something good to happen.

12/2/01 - 10:08 pm Xmas is a mere 23 days away and no one seems to know what they want, including me. I've gotten to the point where I don't really want anything, at least nothing that can be purchased. Maybe if things were a little different right now on the job front. Anyway, my first "Grant a Wish" in two years came and went on Friday without anyone asking for anything. Not sure what that means really. Too bad too, the next guaranteed one won't happen until 2004. Not too much else going on really. It was a weekend of cleaning the house for more company. I get to keep my room this time but company will be here for probably a month or more. Nothing like not having the house to yourself for over a month. I did get to briefly chat with a friend today. I need to go see her some time... need the break and a little fun. Well, gotta go.

12/7/01 - 2:59 am Things aren't going too bad right now. The new job is working out quite well, better than I expected. I'm still in training but it isn't boring like I thought it would be and it minimizes the amount of time I see the parents down to about 20 minutes a day. Eventhough the job cheers me up a bit I still need to get out and have some fun someday soon... preferably involving drinking. Got to talk to a friend again for a few minutes today. Its amazing how you can tell when someone isn't doing great even over the internet. I don't worry about her though, she's tougher than I am. I've been having some weird dreams again over the past couple days, probably because my sleep schedule is a little messed up. Off to bed.

12/12/01 - 2:29 am Work has been very informative both this week and last week. I know a little bit about a lot of things but mortgages I know nothing about... now I do. First lesson I learned was that mortgage companies just want their money... I kinda knew that one. Second lesson, what ever amount of money you borrowed for your home, expect to pay back at least three times amount by the time you're done. Lesson three, people seldom read their deed... if they did they wouldn't sign the damn thing. I've learned a lot more than just that but most of it is too boring to mention unless I'm actually at work. As for other stuff, the closer we get to Xmas the more I miss people and the more I think about the good ole days. It doesn't help the matter that every show I watch is doing their holiday episode right now. It just makes me want to see certain people, talk to some for hours, or cuddle up on the couch with others. Of course I'm also worried about a few people, one in particular. Nothing like surgery right before Xmas to make it a jolly holiday season. If there was anything I could do for her I would, of course she'd probably kick my ass for it as soon as she could. After Xmas is New Years and I'm hoping to actually do something this year, maybe go back to Mo'town for a visit and some drinking. Here's to hoping.

12/18/01 - 2:00 am Okay, I've finally found something at work that really annoys me... a few things actually. First, let's start with professionalism. A great number of people at work have no concept of professionalism. Hanging up on customers, provoking customers, cursing loudly and repeatedly when not on the phone, the list goes on. Second, this is the start of my third week and no one in my class has security passes yet. No one seems to know exactly why we don't have them other than "missing paperwork" but they can't seem to figure out what paperwork is missing. Nothing like working for a company when you can't even go to the bathroom without having an escort to get you through the building. Third, time off... first we get Xmas Eve and New Years Eve off, then we're told "plan on working." Then they say that we can have off if we asked for it off during the first week. Why would I ask for a day off when you tell me I don't work that day anyway? As of today we were told that we will be working Xmas Eve but to leave our phone numbers with our supervisor (who none of us have met) so that in case they close early (like they've done every Xmas) they can call us and tell us not to come in. As for New Years Eve, it depends on how busy Xmas Eve is. Who in gods name is going to be calling about their mortgage at 9pm on Xmas or New Years Eve? We have been promised that we'll know by the end of the week about security passes and Xmas Eve... I'm not holding my breath. Happier things... someone is going to be spending some time here in Frederick over her break :)

12/23/01 - 4:54 pm Well, its almost Xmas and I can't wait for it to be over so I can go back to not seeing my parents. I actually didn't see mother for two entire days... a bit of an early Xmas present I guess. Unfortunately, things have been very bad around here today. Mother doesn't seem to know when to stop talking about losing weight, or being single, or going out with friends. I even told her to stop today and she kept right on talking. Nothing like happy conversations like that to make Xmas wonderful. I was hoping this weekend would be good. I was hoping to either go visit some friends or have someone special come visit me. Well, things just didn't work out like that. I was unable to go visit friends and the possibility of getting company is remote at best. I'm supposed to head back to Mo'town next weekend for New Years and I really need that to happen. Between then and now though I still have to make it through Xmas, a week of mother being here, week two of company being here, and a visit from the company's relatives who miss her so much they're driving up here from Norfolk. The company thing is annoying... besides the fact that the house smells like old person now, we're apparently the only ones that she can come to for Xmas. She has two children, and 5 grandchildren and none of them allow her to come stay with them for Xmas. Mother says she likes having her hear because she helps out around the house. Technically is isn't really "helping" when someone else has to fix the things that she "helped" with in the first place. That's it, time to go.

12/29/01 - 1:35 am Okay, this is it, the last update for 2001. This week wasn't as bad as I thought it would be thanks to my parents' surprise trip to PA with the company. It was very nice to have the house to myself for a couple days. Work started for real for me this week and it has been pretty good so far. Xmas went okay... still didn't get that girlfriend that I wanted though... someone forgot to poke holes in the box again. Santa has got to learn that if you're going to give someone a girlfriend, you need to poke air holes in the box. I'm heading to Mo'town for NYE tomorrow and I can't wait. Maybe I'll actually ring in the new year in a happy way this year. Okay, that's it... see you next year.