1/1/99 - 9:40 pm Yup, I was surprised last night. I thought it was going to be a party with a bunch of people, insted it was just me, my friend, and her boyfriend. I didn't drink much of anything, just wasn't in the mood, which is very strange for me. I decided not to stay, had no reason to anyway since I was perfectly fine to drive home. It wasn't the night that I was expecting or hoping for, but my New Year's never seem to turn out like I hope them to. I did make two resolutions, one is completely up to me to make true, the other I only have a hand in. Today was an okay day I guess, nothing exciting happened. I hope the next two days go well, I'd like to leave here on a good note.

1/3/99 - 11:47 pm Hrm... how to describe today... how about GREAT!!!! I don't have that many days that I can say that about, and today may be the last one for a long time, but at least I can say it for today. Under normal circumstances I'd say that today was very promising, but circumstances aren't normal, so today was just a great day. I should be heading back to Morgantown tomorrow, but I have to stay around another day for a "family talk". Not looking forward to that at all. Oh well, today was great so I'll use that to get me through tomorrow.

1/7/99 - 3:52 am An epiphany has struck once again, more on that in a minute. I'm finally back at school and my second day back was a pretty good day for the most part. I worked out for the first time and it made me feel pretty good. Hopefully I will be able to keep doing it and reach my goals. Did some cooking today to feed some friends, it sure beats eating out. It's snowing right now here in Morgantown, snowing quite a bit actually. Took a walk a short while ago, partly to enjoy the snow before it gets turned into a gray slushy mess, and partly because I needed to clear my head. While I was walking I had the most amazing and perfect moment when my current troubles suddenly became clear. I think the moment was triggered by a snowflake that flew up my nose causing some pain, either that or it was my remembering something a friend said online tonight. As for the exact details of my epiphany, I can't tell you that. The best way to describe it would be to liken it to a game of Roulette where you have different amounts of money on every number. No matter where the ball lands, you're a winner, although some numbers pay out higher winnings. Okay, time for bed.

1/8/99 - 4:12 am A pretty good day all around. Didn't exercise today but I did get to have lunch, go shopping, and watch a movie with a friend. Went down to The Page to visit another friend and got a little sad because that place is going to hell. Nothing else terribly interesting today. I think I need classes to start back up so I have something to complain about :)

1/9/99 - 4:43 am Today was a very good day overall, but it took all day for it to become so good. I spent most of the day being unhappy for no real good reason. Just too much thinking and reading too much into little events. I did manage to injure myself twice today, both times on the same set of icy steps. Hurt my hand and back the first time, my knee the second. Neither incidents help my fear of steps. I did get to work out again, which is what made my day so much better. Just feelin kinda stupid now.

1/10/99 - 4:29 am A pretty good day all around. Worked out, went shopping, and drank with some friends. Things got worse about 4 hours ago when I found out that a friend has been lying to me. Not just lying, but lying about cheating on her boyfriend. I thought that I knew her better than that but I guess I was wrong. She knows who she is and can salvage things is she stops lying to me. I'm pretty understanding so long as I know the truth. Hopefully she'll do the right thing.

1/11/99 - 12:05 am After last night's problems today was much better, if a bit sad at the end. Worked out again, hung out with friends, just had a good day. Around 10:30 pm I called home to see how the parents were doing and my mother told me that our dog Daisy may not live through the night. She's 15 years old and has had lots of problems in the past year so this was not unexpected, but it makes me very sad nonetheless. Only time will tell.

1/12/99 - 2:53 am My first day of classes was very full. First off, I'm glad that this little thoughts section thing works as well as it does, both for me and for others. I had spent most of today trying not to think about Daisy, but I didn't do too well. After my night class I came home and called my parents. I knew that she was gone but I didn't know how, I was hoping that she passed away in the night. As it turned out, my parents had to take her in around dinner time to be put to sleep. Hearing about death never hits me until a few minutes later, when I'm alone with my own thoughts. I called a friend so I could talk to her about it. I went over to her place and was there for way too long, felt like I was imposing. She always makes me feel better and tonight was no exception. My thanks to her. Let's see, what else... my computer order from Tiger Direct still has not come in, which does not make me happy. That bit of bad news is rather trivial compared to losing Daisy. My other friend has come clean about her cheating and finally told me and her boyfriend the truth. He wasn't too upset actually and they are still going out. As for things between me and her, they are all better. I understood where she was coming from when she finally did tell me, but she knows that her reasons didn't justify her actions. I don't take pride in many things, but when I'm right about others relationships, I'm right. Finally, classes went fairly well, just a minor snafu with my night class. Time for bed.. again... too many thoughts buzzing through my head earlier.

1/14/99 - 2:42 am Not a bad day all around. Classes were fine but a few people annoyed me between classes. One pair in particular, they went to the wrong PRT platform and made 40 people wait while they took a car to Towers. People going to Towers are supposed to use a different platform, one just for them, not the one that serves 2 stations. Stupid people piss me off. That was the low point of my day and it was simply annoying, so my day was good. Got to shoot some pool with a friend which I haven't done in a while so it made me pretty happy. After pool I managed to work out for a bit, alone I might add. My partner has wussed out on me the past two days so I've had to go it alone (she hasn't really, she's just not feeling well). Well, that'll do it for now.

1/16/99 - 4:10 am It's been a long day and I should be dead tired by now but I'm not. Classes went fine, at least the ones I had. My last class was canceled, probably because the professor was snowed in at home. I did finally manage to get into that sociology class that I wanted to, I hope it's as easy as last semester's class. I called Tiger Direct again today to check on my order, and this time it was good news, all but one of the parts were shipped today. The part that wasn't shipped was never on backorder before so I don't know why it is now. I did get to workout for a short while tonight, but not as long as I had wanted because my back was hurting for some reason. Visited a couple of friends while they were working, always an interesting experience, mostly because I don't know how they keep from throwing all the annoying people through a wall. Well, off to bed.

1/17/99 - 4:18 am A most excellent day. Today started off rather slow and stayed slow until about 8 pm. Since then I've played some pool (did very well tonight), gotten drunk, and hung out with some friends. Just a pretty happy day all around.

1/19/99 - 12:44 am Today did not go as expected. On Sunday I knew that I'd be doing one of two things today, either going to dinner with a friend and her family, or going to a movie. I didn't get to do either. The reason why was out of my control and it did make me sad to hear what the reason was. I wasn't sad because I didn't get to do what I had planned, I was sad for other reasons. Besides things not working out quite right today, I did get a lot of reading done and some stuff downtown. On a more introspective note, last night was the seventh day in a row that I went without having my nightmare. This is the first time in nearly five years that I've gone more than six days without having it. Unfortunately (I think), I've had relatively the same dream for five out of the past six nights. Its a good dream, at least in the sense that nothing bad happens to anyone, but it does trouble me a bit. Reoccurring dreams are seldom good things if unrealized or unresolved, I've spent almost five years learning that. Still, at least this one is a good one.

1/20/99 - 11:56 pm Okay, I've been sick for nearly two months now, and just when I think I'm getting better, a day like today happens and I get sick all over again. Woke up this morning feeling I had a wet pillow over my face. My nose was stuffed up, my eyes were swollen and sticky, and my head was killing me. Needless to say, I didn't make it to any of my classes. I barely made it to my bathroom with falling over, class was out of the question. After sleeping some more, I spent most of the day reading some mighty boring poli-sci. A friend called me and wanted help with her math so I went over to her place. When I got there around 7:15 pm, she was on the phone. Around 7:30 pm she handed me her assignment and I got started on it. Around 9:00 pm she got off the phone, just about the same time I finished "helping" her with her math. To be honest, that didn't bother me, what did bug me a little was her conversation while on the phone. An awful lot of complaining going on about whether or not boyfriends are being faithful and about being a little lonely in the apartment. It just got to me I guess. The rest of the night was uneventful.

1/21/99 - 10:58 pm Well, the one class that I had today was pretty boring, and the rest of the day wasn't much more exciting. I'm heading home tomorrow to pick up the last parts for my new computer so I guess I shouldn't complain about boredom since I won't be bored much longer. Tonight was rather disappointing in a number of ways, mostly on the phone call end of things. I was hoping to hear from several people but no such luck. I did get to shoot some pool with a friend but discovered something very unsettling on the way there. Well, time for a walk I think.

1/23/99 - 1:12 am Today has been full of ups and downs. Classes went fine with the exception of my last class. The professor in that class randomly calls people up to the board to answer questions. Not only does that hurt what I learn in class, I thought that I was done with that sort of thing when I left elementary school. After classes I left for home. My drive was not much fun, dense fog most of the trip and a road full of people that don't know how to drive in it. I was hoping to go out with someone tonight and do something, but no one was available. On the bright side, I now have my new computer :) Being home is very strange this time, no Daisy. I miss hearing her collar jingle and I can't help but walk slow down the stairs in the dark in case she's asleep on them. Her bowl is gone, her bed is gone, this house just seems so empty without her.

1/23/99 - 9:42 pm To be perfectly honest, today went much like I expected it to. I came home hoping for four things to happen, but expecting only three because of time constraints. So far only two have happened and I'm not expecting the other two things to come about before I go back tomorrow. I did get my baseball hat that I've been waiting for since Christmas, too bad its too big. Mother, using her usual kind and caring words [sarcasm], said that the hat isn't too big, my face just has too much weight on it. Hrm... let me think about that... losing weight in my face would somehow make my head bigger allowing the hat to fit... oh yeah, makes perfect sense now [more sarcasm]. I did get to spend some time with someone I care about quite a bit as I had hoped to, but that didn't even go as well as I wanted. One of the things that keeps me going in life besides my friends are my memories of happier times, and after tonight I seem to have less of them. When you share so many special things with someone, the fact that you both remember them years down the road makes them even more special. When one of you forgets about them it takes away some of the specialness for the other person. It could just be this outstanding memory that I've been cursed with that's to blame, or it could be that the other person has had so many other special things happen since then that what happened between us just doesn't mean as much anymore. On a related note, my nightmare returned last night. Tomorrow I head back to Morgantown, hopefully to happier things.

1/25/99 - 1:21 am Well if that just doesn't piss ya off!!! I got back to Morgantown today around 4:30 pm and immediately started putting my new computer together. After a round of total stupidity on my part, I finally got to the Windows98 installation process going and when it ran scandisk it found a bunch of bad sectors on my brand new hard drive!!! So now I have to call and probably drive down to this place tomorrow and get it replaced, if they'll even take it back. On top of all that, my mother gave me the "you're an embarrassment" speech again today and I have a couple of friends that keep lying to me. Oh well, what goes around comes around...

1/29/99 - 1:18 am Well, it's been a few days since I've updated my page, and a busy few days it's been. I got my new hard drive and managed to get Windows98 installed with a little help from my friend Sam. This things runs great and I do take a bit of pride in the fact that I built it myself. Hrm... what else.... A friend of mine called me back on Sunday and we talked for a few minutes. It was nice talking to her since we haven't spoken in several months. Last night was an interesting night. Spent a little time visiting a friend at work and discovered yet another thing that I like about her. Just when I think that she can't impress me any more she does something new. The phrase "don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk" comes to mind. To keep me from telling the whole story, I'll just say that she most definitely "walks" what she "talks." This weekend should be half decent if any of the stuff that I want to happen actually happens. Bed time.

1/30/99 - 5:20 am HAHAHA... foolish me!!! I should know better than to actually expect anything that I want to happen to really happen. Tonight was a complete bust, no phone calls from anyone and nothing to really do except get drunk and work on my computer. Last night after my update went rather poorly, but thankfully someone called me to cheer me up a little. She called again at 5:30 am to tell me a story, woke me up but it was worth it. Thought I'd return the favor since I'm kinda durnk at the moment but for some strange reason she isn't in her room. Oh well, laughter is the best medicine I've always said and I'll prolly be laughing a lot in the near future.

1/31/99 - 2:33 am Okay, I'm pretty drunk again tonight but I'm much happier than I was yesterday at this time. Met a friend down at Gibbie's, drank some beer, and listened to some pretty good music. When I got home I found a very interesting message on my voicemail. Don't know how to describe it and don't know if it's good or bad, so I guess I'll go to sleep and wait until I talk to the person that left it to explain it.

2/1/99 - 1:09 am Well, that message I got last night was explained to me today and I found it very amusing. Then I thought about it a little and thought "HEY, wait a second" and just had to talk to the person that explained it to me some more. Other than that, today was rather uneventful, which was a surprise since there was a blue moon tonight. Of course the Super Bowl was today so I guess that's significant. I did get "yelled" at today about "The List" and who was on it. For some odd reason, I actually enjoyed being yelled at, maybe it was because I knew the person was kidding. To make this person happy, I have decided to modify "The List" with a disclaimer of course :)

2/3/99 - 1:22 am Today was a pretty good day I guess. I had that dream again last night which helped me wake up in a good mood. I did get to work out again today but not with my partner, she was too busy once again, not that I blame her. She vented a little on me tonight which I never mind, but it does make me worry about her. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day for a number of reasons, all class related. Thankfully my Thursday is looking very good at the moment and I am really looking forward to it.

2/4/99 - 3:59 am Dontcha just hate people that suck up to your teachers and professors? Classes went fairly well today, with the exception of my CS class and lab that were made nearly unbearable buy a number of people that have a strange desire to see my professor's colon up close. It isn't just one person, it's several people, and that's what's annoying. Besides that, the computers in the lab still aren't working... well, they are working actually, its just that when you turn them on you cause a building wide blackout. You'd think that a 10 story building full of engineers would be able to fix it a bit faster than three weeks. Anyway, "grant a wish" day past with only one person taking advantage of it, which doesn't bother me at all. Something that happened just a little while ago did bother me though. I accidentally said something that I wish I hadn't. When I said it I didn't think the person I was talking to was going to take it any further but they did and now I feel bad. I kinda let the cat out of the bag when it wasn't my cat or my bag in the first place. That's what I get for talking too much.

2/5/99 - 3:18 am I am so freaking tired right now. Today was an okay day as a whole, although most of it was boring. I spent a good bit of it working on my project, which wasn't all that much fun since I have to do so much work to compile it. I did get to go out with one of my friends tonight as I had hoped. We had some fun but it wasn't perfect, she was too tired and we didn't have enough time. After we parted company I did go and work out for the fourth night in a row. I don't know if it's helping me physically but I do feel better emotionally. I did notice something very disturbing tonight and I think I will have to do something about it tomorrow. Okay, off to dreamland, and hopefully that dream again :)

2/6/99 - 4:22 am Okay, I've been in bed for about two hours now and I can't get to sleep. A lot happened today, everything from chest pains, to a trip to the doctors, to dealing with stupid people. I got about an hour and a half of sleep last night and still can't go to sleep. I think I know why, just a lot floating around my head. My emotions have been up and down a lot today, but thankfully I did get to go out with some friends, play a little pool, and drink a little. The highlight of my day was when someone very special to me did something unexpected for me. It wasn't necessary but it was welcome. So once again I'd like to say "thank you." Okay, back to bed.

2/7/99 - 5:04 am Today was a day. Rather short because I slept so much and rather boring. It did have one bright spot, but as always, that bright spot was all too brief. Don't know about much anymore, very confused. Sleep now.

2/8/99 - 12:18 am It was a fairly long day for me with it's highs and lows. The lows of course being class and the highs being time spent with other people, which today happened to be that special person. On the down side, I haven't worked out in three days, of course my "partner" hasn't worked out in weeks :) It's only Monday (Tuesday technically) but this weekend is looking pretty good already. My major reason for going home is the Joe Corbi Pizza Kit I have waiting for me there. They are by far the best pizzas I've ever had and can't wait to get them back here. I will also probably get to see at least one friend that I haven't seen in a while, and get to go to the Car Show with her. Finally, I get to complete the only wish made back on "grant a wish" day. I just hope the rest of this week goes well.

2/10/99 - 10:30 pm Well, yesterday was one of those days. I went out for a number of hours last night, drank a bit, and closed down a pool hall and a bar. I spent a lot of time thinking and making things worse for myself. I did get to talk to a friend last night and straighten some things out. As it turns out I was simply blowing things way out of proportion and misinterpreting things. Thankfully, I think I managed to kill off most of the brain cells that were responsible for my mistake. This weekend is still looking pretty damn good, even if it is going to be very busy.

2/11/99 - 11:19 pm Was today a gorgeous day or what? Today was just a damn good day all around. Class went fine, I got some stuff done around here that I needed to, and I got to go to the Texas Roadhouse for the second Thursday in a row with that special friend that I have. It took some convincing to get her there but I think she had fun. I'm kinda tired so I think I'm headed to bed... got a long day tomorrow.

2/13/99 - 2:00 am Was today just a horrible day or what? Unlike that beautiful 70 degree day we had yesterday, today it SNOWED!!! We've been having some very strange weather lately. Today was an eventful day, eventful because just about nothing went like it was supposed to. I was looking forward to a nice, sunny and warm drive home after a long day of classes, which was to lead to a happy, parentless weekend where I was to spend time with good friends and make someone special a little happier. Insted, I got to drive home in the snow on horrible roads with a stranger, and the combination of both doubled my usually quick 2 hour drive to 4 hours. I did spend time with my friend tonight but not until my mother had a chance to insult me a couple times. My friend seems to get more beautiful every time that I see her and the time I got to spend with her did make me feel a lot better. The plans for the car show are still on and I hope to spend some time with a friend that is always in my thoughts tomorrow night. Finally, Sunday is going to be a very interesting day.

2/14/99 - 2:05 am A most interesting day. Went to the car show as planned and had some fun, but was tired as hell most of the time. Came home and went out to dinner with someone that is very close to me then came home and watched a movie with her. Things were weird, just old thoughts creeping back in I guess. Not really sure how to deal with them... well, I know how, just don't know if I can right now. Sunday is going to be very interesting...

2/14/99 - 11:43 pm Today was a very good day even if I did spend a good bit of it driving. My trip back was interesting, mostly because I had a snake on my lap for part of the trip, but also because I had a very nice person to talk to. The first thing I did when I got back was to give the snake to her new owner, which made them both pretty happy. At least I'm assuming the snake was happy, she was tied up in a bag for about 4 hours after all. Got to spend some time after that with some good friends, which was what I wanted to do today insted of being alone on this most evil of holidays. Okay, bed time.

2/16/99 - 1:26 am Well, the CS test I had today certainly sucked. Despite how poorly I know I did on it, my day wasn't all that bad. I have an awful lot to do tomorrow despite it being an easy class day. I'm rather tired so I think I'm heading to bed.

2/17/99 - 2:10 am I hate days like today. It's not that I was under a lot of stress, or that anything specifically bad happened, it's just that I had a headache all day. I've been working on my project for most of the day and my head hurts too much to work on it anymore tonight. I've taken about 3 showers today and way too much ibuprofin. I think my headache is from all the stress I've been under lately. Some new sources of confusion have arisen while some old ones have become more clear, but in bad ways. Oh well... what goes around comes around I guess.

2/18/99 - 2:59 am I still had a headache when I woke up this morning, which did not help in completing my project. Getting my project done was extremely annoying since I had to run back and forth to the lab a couple times. I did eventually get it done and it does work nearly perfectly. I did get to go out tonight with a couple of friends. Was only expecting one friend, but the second was a welcomed surprise. All in all, an okay day.

2/19/99 - 12:50 am It was a pretty lazy day for me, spent a lot of time online looking for ways to make my page look better. My night was far less eventful than it was for the past two Thursdays, just stayed in and watched tv tonight. Most of the shows I watched had some kind of love theme to them, which I found a bit annoying. They weren't depressing, just annoying. I haven't worked out in over a week so I need to get doing that again. Tomorrow is going to be busy and I'm in desperate search of something to do this weekend.

2/20/99 - 4:02 am Have you ever felt like things just won't go your way no matter how hard you try? That's kinda what today felt like, life just didn't want to cooperate with me. Nothing really happened today, which was part of the problem. I went to Blockbuster a few hours ago and saw something that disturbed me. The man in line in front of me had left three children out in the car while he was in getting movies. Another customer had come back in and said that they were crying and then the man ran out. Apparently he had left them asleep in hopes of getting back to them before they woke up. I guess it just bothered me that he left them asleep. On the bright side of things, someone very interesting messaged me tonight on ICQ. I thought it was someone I knew but it turned out just to be a very nice girl looking for someone in Morgantown to talk to. She sounded very interesting so I hope I get to talk to her again. Well, off to bed.

2/21/99 - 3:52 am A rather full day for a Saturday. I got some stuff done that I needed to, namely some reading, some homework, and a little bit of my project. My day got very interesting around 9:30 pm when I went to visit a friend at work. Needless to say I was very worried about her then and still a bit worried about her now. Things in the building where she works just aren't right and they're getting worse. After she got off we went down to visit another friend at his fairly new job. All in all the night was quite good, even if I did have to go pick up some drunk sorority girls a little while ago. One thing was said to me tonight that still has me thinking. It wasn't a bad thing when it was said but my overanalyzation of it since has generated several different meanings. I hate it when I do that. I can't ever seem to take things at face value anymore. I need to learn to take the crumbs I'm given and be happy with them.

2/23/99 - 2:33 am Today was one long ass day. Classes were fine, the one test I had was easy. Spent a lot of time online talking to someone new and very interesting. She actually called me last night thinking I had already called her earlier. Of course when she realized that it wasn't me that she had talked to before, she hung up. Last night when it happened it didn't make me feel too good, but after talking to her today, it doesn't bother me. Something happened about an hour ago that pretty much sums up my life over the past few years. I was out walking and my pager went off, it was a number that had paged me just two nights ago needing a ride home, and I figured that's what was needed again. I ran home and called the number, no answer. I figured they had gotten a cab or started to walk. Me, being the nice guy that I am, drove over to the sorority house to make sure they weren't walking. I didn't see them, but on my way back home, I got pulled over by a cop. Long story short, I got a warning, but it just goes to show what I get for being nice. The rest of this week looks promising, and who knows, the weekend might even be good.

2/25/99 - 2:25 am Today was just a hectic day. Lots of class crap, lots of people crap, and lots of other general crap. My lab today was very interesting. Half of the computers still aren't hooked up to the network, and the ones that are don't have any of the necessary programs to write a program properly. Plus... our lab instructor has assigned yet another program that's due in one week, which gives us no lab time if we have any questions for him. Just a little frustrating, that's all. On the brighter side of things, ones of my friends got a great new job with the school and I'm very happy for him. Another friend also sent me a bunch of quotes for my little collection, making sure to bring my attention to one in particular the reminded her of me. That quote is on the main page and I thank her for thinking of me. Well, Thursday should be pretty good, which, with any luck, will lead to a very nice weekend.

2/28/99 - 3:28 am It was supposed to be a good weekend. Sure, someone I care about a great deal left for a week, and yes, Thursday night didn't happen at all like it was supposed to, but tonight was supposed me make everything better. I did manage to get very drunk tonight, but things took a turn for the worse when I started being optimistic. I'm tired of being that tattered old book with the warped and faded cover. Tired of having a heart of gold but not having anyone that can see past the worthless crap that surrounds it. After tonight I don't think the counter will make it to zero before I do. Time to sleep... at least in my dreams I am happy sometimes.

2/28/99 - 11:17 pm It's the small things that can turn your whole day around. I spent most of today doing nothing except playing on the computer and waiting for the phone to ring. Oddly enough, the phone rang a lot today, although most of the people on the other end were not people I wanted to talk to. The person that I lent my car to on Friday returned safe and sound just about two hours ago, which was a relief, I was getting worried about her. When I got my car back I found a very sweet thank you card and a Coke waiting for me. That made me feel good.

3/3/99 - 11:50 pm Life since my last update has been very full, informative, happy, and sad. Classes have been going fine and my social life has gotten a little more interesting lately. Finally got to talk to the girl that I saw down at McGuffy's the weekend before last. She seems like a pretty nice person but I'm having a hard time figuring her out exactly. I think she's one of those people that has a different personality when she's around her friends than when you talk to her one on one. I may or may not see her tomorrow night when I go down to McGuffy's. Part of me wants to meet her, and part of me doesn't, guess I'll leave it to chance. This week has opened my eyes to a great many things. Things like how cruel people can be to total strangers. I've never had someone rub me the wrong way as one person did this week. It also amazes me that someone can blow a perfectly good thing with any definable reason. I'll chalk that one up to basic male stupidity, although I'd never make that kind of mistake. Finally, love is most definitely in the air for some people. Of course it's also in the gutter for others, like me. I was watching one of those annoying talk shows this afternoon and today's topic was something like "I have something to tell you." Of course it was all about one person falling out of love with their significant other and falling in love with someone else, but not having the guts to tell their boyfriend/girlfriend. Personally, it doesn't matter to me if you're a total dickhead to your significant other or not, but you at least deserve to be told the truth when someone doesn't love you anymore and is in love with someone else. The one that fell out of love and then into it with another person is just pretty much a coward in my opinion. The people on the show tried to justify it by saying they were protecting their significant other until the "time was right." First off, that's just an excuse, telling them as soon as you realize it was when the "time was right." Second, if you were trying to protect their feelings, why bring them on national tv to tell them? To be honest, the worst person in this whole little triangle is the one that got involved with someone that was already in a relationship. Nothing physical may have happened yet, but they interfered enough that they fell in love and allowed the other person to return the feelings. A real man/woman would have the courage to wait to express their feelings until the proper time. Of course the great equalizer in all this is karma and the "what goes around comes around" theory. Eventually the cowards will get theirs in the end, and a very bad end it will be. Enough ranting for now.

3/5/99 - 1:47 am Okay people... today was rather boring but it did have it's brief and shining moments. Let's start with the girl I've been talking to online for the past two weeks. Today, for some unknown reason, she gave her 12 year old sister my screen name and had me talk to her. I took that as a pretty good sign that she at least trusts me. I did enjoy talking to her little sister, she's a pretty smart girl, only 12 and already in the 7th grade. Her and her friend did say I was cute and that I was better looking than most guys in their town. I'll assume that there was some horrible accident that disfigured all the males, which would account for be being better looking than them. I did manage to make it down to McGuffy's tonight as planned. It was strange once again, on my way down I saw the girl I've been talking to online standing with her friends at the ATM machine. Well, last time was strange because I had no idea what she looked like, this time was a coincidence. It isn't that hard to pick out a 5'1" blonde with a 5'8" redhead. They walked into McGuffy's about two minutes after I did and the blonde looked right at me and I waved at her. She said hi but I'm thinking that she didn't realize it was me. I stood around, talked to a friend, and drank some free beer (thanks Doc). Right around when I was getting ready to leave, the tall redhead saw me and started talking to me. That made me feel better, and now I like her more than I did before. As for the short one, she had already left, but I do need to say that she is amazingly cute. On a completely different and unrelated note, I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. It's actually the usual one just a little different. Time for bed, got a long day tomorrow.

3/6/99 - 11:31 pm Geez... the last two days have been very full. I'm finally back in Morgantown after an all too long trip home. I did get to see some friends and get my hair cut, but that's all the good that happened. Multiple things happened on Friday that annoyed me. First, I watched "Sally" again and it was yet another relationship type show. Given reactions to my last rant about that show, I'm not going to share any thoughts on this one. Friday night would have been great if it weren't for the waitress we had at the bar. First off, she got an attitude when we got our drinks from the bar insted of her. Excuse us for not wanting to wait 20 minutes for service. Then she said that she needed a credit card to ensure that we didn't skip out on the check. Besides the fact that I've NEVER heard of a bar doing that before, she was just plain rude about it. Finally, she wouldn't let us pay for our drinks as we got them.... she wanted to run a tab. I don't know why a business would refuse money up front, but she did. We finally kind of forced her to take it. Needless to say, she didn't get a tip, and for me not to tip someone takes a lot. We ended up going upstairs and having a better waitress and a lot more fun. As far as women go, I was there with three of them, one of which just broke off an engagement and was not in the most male-friendly mood. She was very funny to listen to and I was hoping to continue our conversations back at the house but we didn't get the chance to. One of the other females with me had also recently become single again, and after the night was over, I can say for the first time that it's time to move on. I'm all for people getting back together, but I think all the chances have run out for this one. Now let's talk about tonight. I was debating on whether or not to return to Morgantown tonight, or on Sunday. I wanted to come back, but had no real good reason. I kinda made plans at home but then canceled them because it didn't feel right. Now I know why it didn't feel right, someone pretty important to me and another needs a ride home from the airport. As if I could or ever would say no to her, we will be going to fetch her in a few hours. It may sound hokie to you, but I do get "feelings" when my help is needed or something bad is about to happen. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm back here tonight.

3/7/99 - 4:41 am I hate this. I've been back from my little trip to the airport for about 40 minutes and I'm not tired. I was about to fall asleep not 30 seconds before I stepped in the door and now I'm wide awake. The trip went fine despite some nasty roads and blinding snow, everyone is back safe and sound. I think I'll go for a walk, with any luck, this pain will be gone by the end.

3/8/99 - 4:05 am A fairly long and boring day. All of the snow that we got last night melted and it was actually pretty nice today. The most special thing that happened to me today was knowing that someone thought enough about me to bring me something back from her trip. Like I've said many times before, it's the small things that matter the most. On the down side, I received a message a while ago from someone saying that they didn't like me talking about them on this page. This is the first person that has had any kind of problem with this page, and it kind of amazed me, especially since I didn't saying anything bad about them. It will attempt to comply with their request as best I can I guess. I dislike having anyone mad at me so I will do what I can to fix it.

3/10/99 - 3:58 am Today was a "snow day" here at WVU, a fact I did not figure out until I was already halfway to class. When I got home from my little walk to class, I went back to bed for a couple hours. My nap was interrupted by a very nice phone call wondering if I wanted to go play in the snow. I did but we couldn't until about 4:30 pm. I never did get to go play, but I wasn't really expecting to. During the 5 minutes I was out of my apartment since my nap, I got another phone call. This time the call was to cancel the plans made a couple days ago for tonight. To be honest, I thought they'd be canceled anyway because of the weather. That wasn't the reason however, the actual reason was because my company wanted to watch a video insted. I was invited of course but I didn't want to intrude so I didn't go. My plans for this weekend changed about two weeks ago and after today, I'm very glad they did. I had a grand dream when I first planned it all out, but then worry, doubt, and finally reality set in. I suppose this is why I haven't tried to celebrate my birthday since I turned 21. On the bright side, I think I had a good dream during my nap.

3/12/99 - 3:08 am Today would have been a great day if it weren't for the inconsiderate people that left their dried clothes in the dryers for nearly 4 hours, causing me a great deal of waiting. I don't understand how anyone could be so rude. It wasn't like this person was just taking up one or two dryers, she was using all five. I finally managed to get everything done around 10:30 pm. Apart from that, I spent most of the day getting ready for my company tomorrow. I did have two very bright and happy moments today. They occurred about two seconds apart but they made me very happy. I was in a rather fowl mood until that happened, so I'm extremely glad it did. Tomorrow is going to be a very big day, at least the plans are big.... Time for bed.

3/14/99 - 5:17 am Well, the past two days went fairly well. I don't usually use names on here, but I do want to thank Becky, Chrissy, Doc, Heather and Miles for coming over and making my birthday a good one, it was a nice surprise. I had a lot of fun while everyone as here, but things got a little unhappy afterwards. I found out that I've been assuming the wrong thing for about a week and that I've been completely wrong about some events in the past. I should have known better about the assumption, it was a foolish thought to begin with. As for the past events... things have changed a little because of them. Time for bed... got to get up early to see my company off.

3/16/99 - 12:29 am Well, another birthday has gone by and another bad snowstorm happened on that day. I keep forgetting that I was born in the midst of a rather large snowstorm all those years ago... which is funny since I've heard the story of how my mom got to the hospital about a thousand times. Sunday was very snowy and I'm glad my friend left when she did in order to make it home in one piece. Some of the unhappiness that occurred after people left on Saturday night was made better today. It's hard not to have doubts when others tell you that you're fooling yourself, but hearing it from the horse's mouth makes it better. Oh, we didn't have class today... although I think they jumped the gun a little calling it when they did, the roads were fine this morning. All in all it was a pretty good birthday, maybe things are looking up.

3/17/99 - 1:39 am There's nothing like studying for a test and then having it canceled without warning. Apparently the math department thought that since we didn't have school yesterday, it would be unfair to have the test. That's all fine and good, but I wish I wouldn't have wasted my time walking there. I also found out today that I'm not going home this weekend... my parents have company and there's no room for me to sleep. Nothing like being told that there's no room for you in your own home. On the bright side of things, it is now officially St. Patricks and I am hoping to go out tonight. With any luck I'll get drunk, with a lot of luck I'll get to talk to someone in person that I've been talking to online for about a month now. I did also get introduced to someone pretty interesting tonight. I thought she was interesting before but now I'm really interested. She's one of those people with a whole lot of energy. Okay, time for bed.

3/18/99 - 3:21 am Today was pretty much a horrible day. Not only did my night at McGuffy's not go as hoped, but I heard something unsettling for the second time. The first time was explained away a couple days ago, but the second time will not be dismissed so easily. Part of me is angry and part of me is laughing about the whole thing. I'm angry because I deserve better than this. I'm laughing because... well... I can't say why, I promised someone that I wouldn't for the time being. I am again reminded of one of my favorite sayings... what goes around comes around. Back to the McGuffy's thing... I feel really dumb about what happened. It was my hope to talk to someone there, and when I did get to talk to her my pessimistic side kicked in and told me that she really didn't want to talk to me. She ended up coming to look for me later on but I had already left. Stupid, stupid me....

3/19/99 - 2:32 am I have got to stop watching talk shows... they annoy me way too much!! Does anyone know what would posess a 12 year old to want to have a baby? And what male would be dumb enough to have sex with a 12 year old anyway? People astound me sometimes. As for the rest of my day, it was very long and boring. Spent a lot of time waiting for the phone to ring. It did ring several times, but none of them were people I was expecting to hear from. To be honest today was rather disappointing, with the exception of one phone call from some one back home. We were talking about her ex and how much of an ass he's being right now. We talked about some other things too, like how much we dislike certain people, and how some other people are going to end up getting hurt. Sometimes you just have to step in and point out what this person's missing, Then there are times, like this one, where the person needs to learn the lesson for themselves. Time for bed... this week has been long and tomorrow it's over.

3/20/99 - 5:12 am I've been in bed once already tonight but can't seem to get to sleep. I've been thinking a lot this week, far more than I usually do. It seems as if things have been looking up for me lately, and this is what has caused me to think more. I'm sure that this is just a temporary condition, but beggars can't be choosers. I've also been having more dreams lately. My usual nightmare still happens at least once a week but at least I've had a few more dreams than normal. Unfortunately, I can only pick out one person in my dreams that I know, and that troubles me to no end. Others are always there, but they are nondescript people, just faces in a crowd. I do like my dreams, in them I get to be the person I want to be insted of the person I am. It has been said that we can make our own dreams come true, but in the most important ways I don't think that's correct. With any luck I will be proven wrong. Time to dream a little dream.

3/21/99 - 4:40 am Geez... no idea where to start telling about my day. I went down to Sam's Club with a friend today, which was nice because I really needed to get out of this place. On the way down he informed me that he is going to be a father in about 8 or so months. This had a most unpleasant affect on me. It's bad enough hearing about friends and classmates getting married, but hearing about having kids really hits me. In a way I'm envious of him. He's getting ready to graduate, got several good job prospects lined up, has a girlfriend, and now a baby on the way. I could do without the baby part but I'm still happy for him. As for the rest of my day, I spent it here, goofing around with some new programs, and wondering why I don't get invited to go out anymore. This weekend has pretty much been a waste, for once I wish I would've gone home. Oh well, only one more week and I get to go home to a nice empty house, a couple good friends, and hopefully some fun.

3/23/99 - 12:39 am Let's see... today I got up, studied some more, went to classes, took one test, came home, went to take another test but found out it was canceled, and came home again. During the time I was home and not studying, I tried to think of ways to improve this page. It's tough to make it look better without making it look cheesy. I was hoping to hear from a few people today, but I guess they were a little too busy to talk to me. I'm sure I'll hear from them tomorrow. Well, time for bed I guess.... I have to do my scheduling tomorrow so I need my sleep for that bit of stress. Only four more days until break :)

3/23/99 - 10:24 pm Well, all of my tests are done for the week, I got my scheduling done for next semester and I helped a friend with her car. All in all a pretty descent day. Of course I haven't talked to that special someone since Saturday night and I didn't get any email from another friend either, but I was pretty much expecting that. Tomorrow may be a really good day, assuming someone calls me, that we go out, and that we have someone else along that I want there. Only three more days to go :)

3/24/99 - 2:00 am I was in bed a while ago but now I'm up again. I needed to write I guess, too many thoughts flying around my head to sleep just yet. Of course I can't put any of those thoughts down, they wouldn't make any sense. I should be dead tired right now.

3/25/99 - 4:40 am I have been in bed and up again for the second night in a row. Tonight it is because I am worried about someone. Her voice always brings me such joy that it hurts to know that she is in pain. I wanted to help her but she turned me down. I hope she's okay.

3/27/99 - 3:30 am Oh my goodness am I drunk. I went down to McGuffy's tonight and got pretty screwed up with a friend. I didn't spend a dollar (thanks again Doc) and had a very good time. Now I'm home and thinking way too much to sleep. I have found my idea of "perfection" twice in my life thus far, and for 24 years old, that ain't bad. Unfortunately, neither of them realize who they are, such is my life and my destiny. I can never and would never tell them, for that is something they must discover on their own. This reminds me of one of my favorite stories, found in "Chicken Soup For The Soul, Vol 1," a book given to me by someone that I've caused more pain to than even I can heal. This book travels everywhere with me and I've read it more times than I can count. My favorite story is on page 10 if anyone cares to read it, and is only a page and a half long. I think I have babbled on enough for tonight. My final thought... my life is a paradox, my greatest weakness is also my greatest strength, the one that can appreciate that will find happiness beyond description.

3/28/99 - 12:59 am Geez... was I ever hungover this morning! I'm home now in Frederick but I got here way later than I wanted to due to the condition I was in when I work up this morning. Despite being ill, today wasn't a bad day. I managed to go out with some friends tonight and have some fun, even saw a friend that I haven't talked to in months. She was with her boyfriend of course, who has grown quite a bit since the last time I saw him. Now I'm getting ready to go to bed... well... I'm getting ready to go to couch I should say because company is sleeping in my bed right now. I hope this week goes good... I need it to.

3/30/99 - 2:33 am It's been a pretty boring couple of days. Went to a movie last night with a friend and had a good time, saw another friend today, that's about it. I've been working on stuff for my page and am hoping for a big update tomorrow night, but we'll have to see. I'm missing being at school but am also glad to be here. On the bright side, nothing bad can happen to me while I'm home by myself, at least nothing that can make me sad. Bed time.

3/31/99 - 12:50 am Today was a very full day. I managed to get my car up to the repair shop but it isn't fixed yet. The part I need won't be in until tomorrow and all the repairs will cost around $500. The whole car thing wasn't as troubling as the phone call I got today from a friend in tears. She didn't exactly give me a reason for her tears, but I can figure it out on my own. She just needed to do something tonight and I was glad I was here for her. Me, her, and another good friend went out for dinner at The Outback and had a great time. As good of a time as I had, it wasn't an easy time given the irony of the whole thing. As with all things, I'll deal with it.

4/2/99 - 2:26 am The past two days have been rather interesting. I got my car fixed, went out a few times with a friend, at lunch with a bunch of other friends, and received three wishes for "grant a wish" day. I knew what one of them was going to be before it was even asked, and I knew the person asking wasn't going to be too thrilled with the answer, eventhough they already knew what it was going to be. Other than that, last night was a difficult night for sleep. I got 7 phone calls this morning before 10 AM and between two of them I had an interesting dream. Lets just say that it kept me thinking about something all day.

4/3/99 - 4:45 am Uhm... I can't go to sleep. Today was full of so many confusing and ironic things that I can't stop thinking about them. I did get one wish taken care of today which made me feel good. Of course now someone probably thinks I'm a freak because of it. Don't know what to say at this point.... I've been thinking so much that I can barely form sentences.....

4/4/99 - 3:05 am So many people asked me what was wrong today, and the best answer I could come up with was "stuff." I can usually hide what's wrong but that hasn't been the case for the past couple days. This week was supposed to be fairly relaxing but ended up being very stressful. It seems that the nicer and more giving that I am, the worse things get. I guess I'm just getting tired of the whole thing. Tomorrow will be a day for change I think... will I continue being who I am, or will I change?

4/6/99 - 3:07 am Life since I've been back has been pretty amazingly good. I talked to someone new on the phone last night for three hours and again tonight for another hour and a half. She's very sweet despite having bad luck with guys in the past. I also found out that a good friend has recently become single again. I am happy to hear this for a number of reasons, none of them having to do with me. Put simply, its time for some people to obtain the happiness that they deserve, and the time for other people regain the happiness that has been lost in recent years. Lets see, I also talked to a federal investigator today about a friend. Kinda said one wrong thing but it wasn't too serious, so I think things will turn out okay. Talked to another friend on the phone and found out that I am definitely having company on the 16th, which makes me really happy. A couple people have said that I've been happier the past couple days, but after my last few days of break, that wasn't too hard to do. "Stuff" is still the best explanation I can offer as to what's wrong... life just seems to be getting more and more ironic and I am having a harder time dealing with it. One way or another, time will heal all my wounds I guess.

4/8/99 - 12:20 am Today was my long day. Things went fairly well in the class department and better than normal in other departments. Had a friend come over for a visit and some grocery shopping today which made me very happy since I really don't get to see that much of her anymore. Also talked to a new friend on the phone again tonight. She is having problems with the ex and needed to talk. Talked with some friends back home tonight too. At least one of them is coming up next weekend and I am very excited about that. The week is half over and all things considered, its been a pretty good week. There are an awful lot of things that I'm hoping will happen soon so I'm trying to keep positive. Time will tell.

4/9/99 - 1:17 am How to describe today. All the good things from this week came crashing down around me today. It should have been a great day, the weather was perfect, class was okay, and I had some good plans for tonight. I seem to do better when things aren't planned out, that way I don't get disappointed. I've been living moment to moment for a while now so I should just stop planning things, except classes, studying, and homework... have to plan those. It's raining really hard outside, sounds nice, smells really good too. Geez... nothin' like a drunken tangent eh? I don't really know what happened tonight to make things go so badly. I went down to McGuffy's, hung out with some friends, drank some free beer, and had fun as far as I know. I have this horrible feeling that I am going to do something stupid this weekend, don't ask me why, but after tonight I can just feel it. Not just stupid, but monumentally stupid. What to say now... so many thoughts... so many wants...

4/12/99 - 4:17 am A lot has happened... more about that another time if i feel like it. Had a dream last night, one that if I would have had it a few months ago would have made me happy, now it only brings pain. I guess my spirit has gotten kinda tired over the past few months... don't know how to fix that.

4/14/99 - 12:07 am It was a boring and lazy day today, which I shouldn't complain about since next week is going to suck. I've been having the same kind of dream for the past several nights and I'm not sure what to do with it. I always wake up well rested and happy, but then I remember that I had the dream and get down. I suppose I should just enjoy the happy feelings, either that or make my dream a reality... don't think that would go over well. As to other things, I am worried about several people right now, three to be exact. One is headed over to Kosovo for at least a month, that wouldn't worry me too much except that he is going to be a father in a few months. Another friend is in need of help but I'm afraid that my time to lend a shoulder has come and gone. As for the last friend, she worries me the least, but she's also the one I could do the most for. Oh well... time for bed. I can't wait for this weekend.

4/16/99 - 1:17 am Well, the most evil day of the year has now come and gone... that was April 15th for those of you that are confused. Spent a lot of today doing work and getting stuff out of the way for the weekend. I am still worried about some people, and today only made me more worried about at least one of them. Hopefully this weekend will be good for everyone.

4/17/99 - 2:15 am I have spent so little time online in the past two days that I think I'm going into withdraw. I have company this weekend so more than likely I'll be pretty happy for most of it. We went to a party and had a good bit of fun, at least I did, but I'm pretty sure my company did too. Speaking of my company, in recent weeks I have been told on more than one occasion that the females that I am friends with are all very attractive. I didn't need to be told this because I think they're all gorgeous, but to have others say that means something special I guess. I'm having problems thinking at the moment... I'm hoping that I don't talk in my sleep is the only thought running around in my head right now. Given the dreams I've been having lately or my usual nightmare, I don't want me company hearing that. Time to dream a little dream.....

4/18/99 - 2:04 am I don't know what I did in my past lives that was so horrible to deserve such horrible Karma, but it much have been bad. I am so frustrated right now that I don't know how I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm caught between making a lot of people a little happier, or hurting one person beyond words. As I have said many times... "this weekend was supposed to be good," but as usual, things just didn't turn out that way. My company is still here, and while she didn't have as good of a time as I was hoping she would, I'm still glad she came. Tonight was just a bust I guess... of all the people I invited, only two showed up, and they both left before we did anything fun. Geez... I'm being pretty selfish actually. It isn't really about me being happy, it's about other people being happy. I have to try to remember that....

4/20/99 - 11:01 pm Let me take you through my day... I "woke up" at 10:30am feeling like absolute crap. I say "woke up" because I only got about an hour and a half of sleep thanks to this stupid cold I have. It was like being awake all night with moments of sleep, so I never really had to "wake up." My one class was a complete joke, I don't expect much from billiards, but I do expect that we at least play pool... not bowl. After class I came home and tried to catch up on my sleep before my test at 5:30pm. I was dozing off when someone knocked on my door. Of course it was someone asking for money... guess they can't read the "No Soliciting" sign out front. I managed to get to sleep only to be woken up by the phone. It was my friend's girlfriend... the computer that I fixed on Sunday was broken again. I felt even worse than I did this morning, now my cold is in both nostrils and my cough is much worse. Before leaving for my test I heard about the shootings in Colorado. Nothing like hearing about a massacre in a high school to really make you mad at the world. I went to my test and did pretty well I think... I hope. Went over to my friend's place to fix the computer for his girlfriend. I seem to end up as the surrogate boyfriend when the real boyfriend isn't around. I get to take care of the girlfriend but without all the perks that go with it. Not that I'm complaining about that one, I'm glad the guys know that I can be trusted. That was pretty much my day. I did have another one of my annoying dreams while I was napping today. They aren't really making me unhappy, mostly because I have a weird feeling that things may be turning around for me soon, but they are a little troublesome. Oh well... hope I get a good night's sleep tonight... gonna have to take some NyQuil.

4/23/99 - 3:22 am Today was an absolutely beautiful day here... sunny and in the 80's, what more could you ask for? As for me, I felt much better today, of course after yesterday that wouldn't take much. The only remotely bad thing that happened today was finding out someone I was interested in has a new boyfriend. I may have no luck of my own when it comes to women but I sure am lucky for the people I am interested in. Okay, off to bed, got a test tomorrow.

4/25/99 - 2:40 am Well, the last two days have averaged out to be okay. The test I had on Friday went badly. Actually, "badly" doesn't do it justice... no negative word could do it justice I don't think. I've gotten to the point in the semester where I've hit the learning wall... can't learn new stuff without losing old stuff. Friday night was pretty good, saw a movie with some friends and then went out and shot some pool, got a little drunk in the process. Today was productive but mostly boring. Talked to some friends on the phone and got an unexpected visit from a friend. The worries I've been having about a couple of my friends came back again today. One of my friends looks like she is headed for some relationship troubles and I'm worried about how she's going to handle it. Some of us have sort of seen this coming but really couldn't do anything about it because our advice would've fallen on deaf ears. Another friend is facing some kind of dilemma or choice but I have no idea what it is. I'm worried its something serious but my gut tells me that it's something pretty good. Time will tell on that one. Speaking of wonderful, my old Stats partner is most likely coming to the beach with us. Oh, I broke out my tarot cards last night and got some pretty interesting answers. One of the best ones was about how good my vacation could be. Of course I did get "yelled" at today for getting my hopes up about things. That's one of my biggest and most easily correctable flaws I think. Anyway, I like it when my friends call me on stuff like that. Okay, time for bed I guess.

4/28/99 - 11:04 pm Here we go again... I just have to say something about this one... today's Springer episode was unique. I'd say stupid but that's just sort of given. Three of the people on today's show just had to be doing it as a joke because there is no way it was real. First we have a man, this man is dating a woman, but this man isn't attracted to the woman anymore, insted he attracted to a man that dresses like a woman. Sounds like a normal Springer episode right? Usually the crossdressing person does a half decent job of looking like the opposite sex, but nooooo, not this time. The cross dressing man comes out in a feather boa, a blue bra and a thong, but that ain't the bad part. He's got a mustache, chest hair, and is mostly bald. There is just no way that this was serious, no one could be that stupid. Okay, I'm done talking about stupid people. Oh, wait, one more thing... today was my last lab, the last time I have to deal with all the brown-nosing geeks in there. Yes, I'm a geek in my own right, but not a tenth as geeky as those people. Okay, now I'm done. Let's see, what else happened today... the O's lost... again. I'm looking forward to going to the O's game on Friday for several reasons, but one of them is not watching them lose. Nothing else terribly interesting right now. Most of my friends are doing fine apart from a couple little life snaffu's, nothing that can't be fixed though. Time to sit up for another 4 hours before falling asleep. Oh, I keep having some really freaky dreams. I had a totally bizarre marriage dream a few days ago, no idea where that came from.

4/30/99 - 5:10 am Hey, look, it's after five in the morning and I'm still awake. Why am I still awake you ask? Simple... I was asked to stay and keep someone company while they were at work. I had a fairly enjoyable time, watching some of the most retarded people in the world tends to make time fly. There were moments of total frustration but they were fairly brief. Now I should probably go to bed... I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and I may need all of my strength just to get through it.

5/3/99 - 1:30 am All in all, the past few days were pretty good. Class Friday was less than perfect, got a test back and it pretty much shot my chances of getting a much wanted "B." Friday night improved my mood a great deal. Went to an O's game with a good friend and actually got to see them win one. Had a lot of fun but more importantly got to spend time with my friend. Saturday was a gorgeous day back home and I went walking for a bit with my friend in the park. I think that was my favorite part of the weekend for a number of reasons. I went to see a movie Saturday night... the new Sean Connery film "Entrapment." It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. I did have the worst time sleeping this weekend, all due to thinking way too much. I even went for walks Friday and Saturday night to wear myself out but I still didn't fall asleep until at least 4am either night. As for what I was thinking about, that could have been any number of things from school, to the beach, to my friends. The only annoying things this weekend were a few comments made by my mother about relationship stuff. They were too bad this time, either that or I'm getting used to them. Okay, off to bed.

5/6/99 - 5:38 am Okay, for the sake of my happiness and sanity, let's not talk about my finals. The past couple of days have been a real roller coaster ride of emotions for me, but not because of anything I've done or failed to do. I have one friend whose father just had quadruple bypass surgery, and I have been very worried about both of them over the past couple of days. Thankfully the surgery went well and his father is out of ICU. I remember how much of a wreck I was when my dad had a less life threatening operation so this had to have been worse. Then there's another friend who just hasn't been terribly happy lately, at least not as happy as I am used to her being. Unfortunately I don't think I can do any more to help her at the moment. The last of my friends that I'm worried about is probably the one that I should worry the least about. For a while now she's been dealing with some issue that no one but her knows about. At first I was worried that it was something bad, but that eventually faded because I realized that she would have definitely told me if it were bad. Of course I've been wracking my brain about what it could be for weeks now and I still haven't got a clue. Since I'm forbidden to mention it I suppose I'll just have to wait and see if she tells me when she decided whatever it is she needs to decide. I really hope she does tell me when and what she does decide, regardless of the outcome... because not knowing is driving me nuts. Speaking of driving me nuts... my dreams have been freaky lately. I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something, and in one case I already know what it is, but in others I'm just totally stumped. It may just be the stress of school and stuff... so now that it's over we'll see if things improve. I'm heading home this weekend for a little party with some friends... I'm trying my best not to get my hopes up about anything. I didn't get my hopes up and didn't expect anything last weekend and it turned out great. Geez... an hour ago when I took someone ice cream (hrm... I wonder who that was) I was dead tired, now it's almost 6am and I totally awake. Lots more to say but I don't feel like typing anymore.

5/9/99 - 5:38 pm Well now, that was one heck of a party! I had a great time Friday night with a bunch of my friends. Things were good from the time I left home until I woke up Saturday morning. The only reason things weren't as good Saturday morning was because I had a HUGE hangover. I wasn't expecting anything this weekend which is why things went so well I guess. Had a couple good conversations with one person which made me feel pretty good. So long as nothing new that's negative happens between now and the beach, NC is going to be a blast. Saturday was a pretty low key day as I spent most of it trying not to puke. Also, I haven't had my parents to deal with since Friday, of course they're heading home right now so that will change soon. Looks as if I'm heading back to school tomorrow so I can spend some time with mother, seeing as it is Mother's Day. Maybe I'll get to spend some time with another friend tonight too.

5/9/99 - 9:35 pm It's been only about four hours since my last update and things have gone poorly since. I stayed here tonight because I wanted (yes, actually wanted) to have dinner with my parents for Mother's Day. I told them my plans when they called this morning but they still had something to eat about an hour before they got home. Then, when they were hungry about an hour ago they got food without even telling me. None of that really surprised me though, and it wasn't half as difficult as what happened a bit ago. For the past several days I have been nervously waiting for a letter from someone. It was sent on Thursday and I have no idea as to what it says, only that it isn't a "big deal" according to it's author. Over the past month I have been trying to figure something out, something about someone else, something that I have no clues about other than I can't help her decide about this one. I have a feeling that's what this letter is about. After tonight, I think I know the general topic of the decision, but no specifics. In the past month I have run the entire gambit it ideas, with only one thing making any sense... and I knew from the second I thought it that I had to be wrong, and soon I'll find that out for sure. It was all based on the assumption that I couldn't help with this decision, and that was my mistake, believing that I couldn't help. So now I wait for that letter to arrive, if it ever does, and I get to worry about someone until at least then. I feel very foolish right now.

5/11/99 - 12:49 am Today was an eventful day but most definitely not a good day. Since it was so very long and stressful, I'll just tell you the worst part. I hit a dear on my way back to school and messed up my car pretty good. I was driving along minding my own business and the next thing I see is the hind quarter of a deer flashing in front of me. It took forever to get back home eventhough I was only about 10 minutes into my trip. Looks like I won't be back at school for a while.

5/12/99 - 11:09 pm Well, two days have passed since my run-in with that deer and I still haven't heard from the insurance people or the body shop. I am trying my hardest to return to school by Friday night so I can see someone before she disappears for the summer, but not having a car is a problem. I actually had a dream this morning about answering the phone and it being the body shop on the other end telling me my car is done... how abnormal is that? I found out today that my great-uncle George died this morning. We all knew it was coming for some time now but if there was anyone on this planet that deserved a long life, it was my Uncle George. Yes, he was 70, but he never drank, never smoked, raised some very upstanding children, was married to the same woman for 50 years, never failed to help someone in need, and was Santa at our family Christmas party for every year that I can remember, and if all that doesn't get you a long life and peaceful death, I don't know what does. I got some other bad news last night about my former Stats partner that I invited to the beach, namely she can't go. I feel bad for her because she really needs a break, but I also feel like I've let the group down now that two people I invited backed out. I also came to a realization today while my mother was so delicately reminding me of my many flaws and calling attention to my exceedingly long drought without a relationship. I realized that I do next to nothing for myself, most of what I do seems to be to please or help other people. I do enjoy helping other people, and I love making others happy, but I can't seem to do things that would make me feel better. What made me realize this was the topic of losing weight. Last semester I started exercising, not because I wanted to lose weight necessarily, but because I wanted to be more attractive to someone so I could maybe make them happy. When it became obvious that things weren't going to work out, I stopped. I never wanted to be that kind of person, someone that tried to make themselves more attractive just to attract someone else, but that may be the trick for me. The only problem is finding the right person... someone that it wouldn't be wasted effort on. I had a whole bunch of other thoughts on that topic but they seem to have gotten lost somewhere. Let's see... what else... hrm... nothing I guess. Time for bed I suppose.

5/13/99 - 11:25 pm Okay, let's bitch about a bunch of things... First off, the insurance people still have not looked at my car!! My dad called them today and found the name of the adjustor that is supposed to do it, but she doesn't even know where the car is!! She was supposed to call us back tonight... but big surprise, she hasn't. We did manage to get a loaner car and I am heading back to school tomorrow, so at least those things are good. I did manage to spend some time with a friend tonight watching the new shows. Of course two of the shows were wedding shows so they were kinda annoying. I did get some feedback on my "thoughts" from last night, honest feedback which is good feedback. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. Time for bed.

5/15/99 - 12:30 am It feels good to be back in Morgantown tonight. It was a long day of waiting, driving, unpacking, and watching for deer on the road. I swear I saw at least ten deer on my trip back... but I may have been imagining things. I wasn't in town long before my services were called upon twice... which felt pretty good after a week of no one needing me. Of course the main reason I returned in such a rush didn't happen... well... it did, just not with me. Part of me is very sad about that, but part of me was also expecting it. In a way this goes back to what I said a couple days ago about me not doing anything for myself. In years past, if tonight would have happened, I probably would have said something, but not anymore. More and more often I am keeping my thoughts to myself, questions like "what are you thinking" or "what's wrong" get cryptic or completely false responses, all because I am thinking of how the truth may affect other people. This page is one of the only places where I get to speak my mind... and I'm not even completely honest here. After much thought I have decided that there are three ways to fix many of my problems. Without giving anything away, and keeping with my enigmatic style, I will say that the first is the easiest, my favorite, and will fix things for certain... the second is harder and may not do the trick... and the third... well... the less said about the third the better. I've been down the third's road before and I don't want to go down there again. On to happier things... time for sleep...

5/16/99 - 2:14 am It was a sad yet profitable day today. I got up at 8:30 am after only about two hours of sleep in order to help a friend move. I was expecting to help a different friend move today, but my services were not needed there and helping my other friend turned out to be less stressful and more beneficial. On the down side, I had to spend the day around my very happy friend/father-to-be and his pregnant girlfriend. I'm not saying that I want to be in that situation, but they sure are happy together. Of course since I didn't get to help the friend I was planning on helping today, I didn't get to say my goodbyes to her. After watching people be all lovey and stuff today, I really wish I would have gotten to see her one last time. Not too much else to say really... just lots of thoughts about my upcoming trip to the beach.

5/18/99 - 1:56 am Today was a productive but far from perfect day. One of my friends that I've known for several years here at school left today without so much as a goodbye. Despite her promises that she'd stop by Saturday and call on Sunday, I knew that when I gave her drunken self a ride home at 3 am a couple days ago, that would be the last time I saw her. On the brighter side of things, I heard from another friend a couple times today and she is doing fine at her new job. Speaking of jobs, my job hunt went pretty good today. Nothing perfect, but nothing I can't handle for the summer or longer. I also got to talk about the beach trip with another friend today, and I'm a little less worried about it now, but not much. I just have this weird feeling that something unexpected is going to happen and mess up my week. The unexpected has messed up two of the last three years, but I'm hoping this year will be more like last year. Other stuff... I'm still worried about a number of my friends, more specifically the choices they are making. I'm not the best person to be talking about bad choices, but from someone on the outside looking in, they do give me cause to worry. Okay, time for bed.

5/20/99 - 3:48 am I spent most of today hoping that the phone would ring, which it did, but only once from anyone I wanted to hear from. I did find out the status of my car, which I thought would be almost fixed by now. As it turns out, the insurance company wants to total it, which make no sense to me because they'll end up losing money on it. Anyway, I did get to talk to a friend on the phone today for about an hour. It was a good conversation, a lot of venting but all productive. It did help me cure my worries about one of my other friends, so I'm pretty happy about that. Okay, I'm pretty tired so it's off to bed.

5/21/99 - 1:28 am Well... the repairs to my car finally get started tomorrow... only a week and a half late!!! Today was a rather unproductive day on the job front, but by no means a bad day. Took care of some personal business today that I've been wanting to get done for a couple months. It was a gorgeous day here so I was happy to get out and about for a while. One other good thing did happen today... well... it was good by my standards, to anyone else it would have been just another thing. My weekend is not going to go quite as planned... I'm still heading home tomorrow but I won't be back until at least Tuesday. That means a lot of hours on the road next week... two on Tuesday, two on Friday and seven on Saturday. The seven won't be too bad I don't think because I'll have at least one person to talk to. Okay, time for bed.... have to get up early and do job related stuff.

5/24/99 - 12:37 am Well, life since Friday has been eventful if not entirely productive. My drive home on Friday was very relaxing since I wasn't really rushing to get anywhere, that and I don't like driving the blue car. I went to see "Payback" with a friend that night, which wasn't too bad of a movie. Of course before we left for the movie I was getting attacked from all sides about a certain sensitive subject. One of my attackers didn't bother me, but only because she has a more friendly way of saying things. My other attacker couldn't put it in a friendly way if someone had written it down for her and stapled it to her forehead. Saturday was a pretty good day... built my dad's new grill for him, saw "Star Wars," and spent more time with that friend. I really enjoyed this "Star Wars," but can understand how people that aren't fans would not like it. Today was a pretty good day too, went to brunch with the parents and then saw the O's kill the Rangers 15 to 5. The game was a bit boring though. When a team scores 10 runs in the first inning, it just seems to lose some of it's thrill. Nothing terribly profound happened this weekend, no revelations or epiphanies. Some interesting observations about people, but nothing worth sharing. As for the beach, it's less than a week away now and my worries are all but gone. I am just ready for some fun, a little sun, and a whole lot of drinking with some friends.

5/24/99 - 11:10 pm Today was just not a good day for anyone it seemed. It was a day full of controversy, sadness, stress and even death. It seemed like everywhere I turned today I saw something that was wrong, and nothing that was right. After the dream I had last night, I should have known that it was not going to be the best of days. I wish I could see a few people right now... I miss them...

5/25/99 - 11:19 pm Arrrrrggggg!!!! Okay, the vast majority of today sucked and sucked hard. It was another day of nothing to do but sit around and wait for my car to get fixed... which won't happen until at least Thursday now. I don't want to drive back Thursday just to turn right around and come back on Friday so I'm taking the blue car back over tomorrow. This of course did not sit well with mother who still has not learned the old "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" lesson. I did have an hour or so of sunshine with a friend in the park. It started off kind of rough but got better pretty quickly. I'm just glad that I'm heading back tomorrow. After that I only have to survive about 18 hours with the parents between Friday and Saturday before I'm off to the beach. I can't wait!

5/27/99 - 4:19 am Well, I'm finally back in Mo'town after my far too long visit home, but I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. Lots of good things happened today so I should be pretty happy, but still I'm not. I know why I'm not but there isn't anything I can do about it. Of course every day that passes is one day closer to the beach, which should cheer me up a lot. Then there are my dreams, the ones that could be considered "good" as far as dreams go, but I see them as bad given their cast. Been having way too many of those dreams lately... need them to stop... or come true...

5/28/99 - 3:53 am About 36 hours from now I expect to be on the beach or very close to it, and it's going to be a long 36 hours. This is kind of the beginning of a new year for me since my life is based on a school calender. In retrospect, it wasn't a bad year... school went okay and my social life is looking up. I came pretty close to having that happiness that I've been looking for, close enough that it changed from an idle dream to a near reality. For a brief time it was in my hands, and for that time it felt pretty good. Now it's a new year and I'm hoping things will continue on a good trend... beginning with vacation.

The section below consists of thoughts written while I was on vacation in NC.

5/30/99 - 5:40 pm Well, I've been here for just over 24 hours and things have gone fairly well. The trip down yesterday went well with only a few moments of unhappiness. Once we got here though, that was less than perfect due to a power outage. The power came back on and the night went on without any more problems. Today has been a pretty good day so far and with any luck tonight will be as good or better. I guess the highlight of my day so far was giving a friend the second half of her birthday present. I was worried that she'd either not like it or be mad at me for getting it for her. Thankfully she liked it and I got a much wanted hug for it. Everyone seem to be getting along thus far with only a couple minor disagreements or misunderstood words. As for me, I'm happy that I'm here and surrounded by so many gorgeous women. True, they're all either in relationships and/or out of my league, but they don't seem to mind my presence so that brings me some joy.

5/31/99 - 3:40 am It was a pretty damn good night tonight. We drank, played some games, and I had a pretty good conversation with a couple people here. We talked about a lot of stuff and I found out some pretty interesting things. Basically, people agree with me on several things, which makes me happy to hear since that means I'm not alone in my thinking on certain things.

6/1/99 - 3:06 am Hrm... the vast majority of today was pretty good, but part of it really sucked. The good part was pretty much everything before 7pm (11pm for everyone else). The big event of the day was going to Howard's for dinner. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, especially two people that wanted to try some of the 200+ kinds of beer. Everything seemed to go fine until we got back here and people started talking to one another about what other people had said. To make this short... it was all stupid. Everyone here with the exception of one person is 20 or older and simply not handling things in the way that I think they are capable of. I seem to understand some of these people better than the others so i did my best to fix the situation before it got too bad, but I pretty much failed at that. So now I'm caught in the middle, trying to patch things up between two sides that are more likely to fake kindness towards one another than talk things out. As for me, I felt like an outsider most of the night. Something happened that made me feel like being near me is a chore at best, extremely uncomfortable at worst. I don't like seeing anyone unhappy especially any of the people here, so knowing that I made any of them uncomfortable makes me feel pretty horrible. If I would have driven my own car down here I would seriously be thinking about leaving early. I spent a lot of time alone today, whether in the hot tub, my room, or on the ferry, and I came to one conclusion... I don't have any real hopes right now for anything, but I can still dream about them.

6/2/99 - 3:32 am Once again, today was a pretty good day. I didn't do the beach thing or the pool thing because I was still a little burnt from before, but I still had a pretty good day. We went to the real grass miniature golf course for the fourth year in a row and for the second year in a row I beat my friend Jen. After that we came home and played some new drinking games (new for me anyway). Everyone got pretty messed up, a couple to the point of puking. I did get told to "go away" once by a friend but didn't take it too hard since she was drunk. Since I spent so much time today avoiding the sun, I also spent a lot of time alone. Unfortunately, time alone means time to think, and we all know how bad for me that can be. One of the main things I thought about was the amount of time that I've spent trying to fix things between people in this house. Insted of making things better for them, I've only made them worse for myself. I just wish people would listen to me when it comes to certain things. Another thought that I kept having was more of a dream than a thought. It's been so beautiful here this week that I really miss having someone to share it with. Okay, maybe not "miss," that would imply that I've shared it with someone before. It's just a waste for me to be here and not to have anyone to walk on the beach with, or cuddle with on the deck in the moonlight. We don't get many opportunities to enjoy days and nights like these, and while I do enjoy them to some extent, I can't help feel that they're wasted on me.

6/3/99 - 2:34 am Not too much to say about today really. We went to an all-you-can-eat seafood place called "The Wharf" for dinner and I really liked the food. I actually had some seafood for once and it was pretty good. After that we went and climbed the dunes like we did last year. Like last year, it was too much effort for the view, especially since there were high winds this year and a lot of sand blowing around. When we got back from that I called a friend that I've been missing for weeks now. She wasn't home but she did call me back a little while later. Our conversation was normal and fine until she told me that she really missed me. I wasn't expecting that, but it was very wonderful to hear and it will keep me going for a little while longer. Yes, she doesn't miss me in the way that I'd like her to, but she does miss me and that's what's important. The only other eventful thing that happened tonight was finding out that one of our group won't be coming down at all. This means that as of tomorrow night there will only be three people in the house. I was looking forward to him coming down but I guess it isn't in the cards for him this year.

6/4/99 - 1:33 am Not a real eventful day but still quite good. The three of us that are left went to Kitty Hawk today with two other friends that we haven't spent much time with in recent months. We all had a pretty good time despite the small storm we had. We came back here and cooked a pretty good dinner. Like I said, it was an uneventful day.

6/5/99 - 3:33 am Damn, today started out real good. The two friends from yesterday took the three of us out to breakfast and it was damn good. After that we pretty much lounged around until the evening when we all went to see the Hatteras lighthouse and what's being done to move it to it's new home. Watching a lighthouse being moved is one of those unique things that you only see once in your life so it was pretty neat. Since this is the last entry from the beach I guess I should summarize my week. It was a good year, better than the first two but not as good as last year. Having my own room was nice but having a queen size bed felt awfully lonely. I just hope I have someone to sleep with next year...

6/8/99 - 4:26 am Well, I'm back in Mo'town. I haven't seen my parents in over a week and I feel pretty good about that. I did get to see a friend on Sunday that I haven't seen in about a month but didn't really get to spent that much time with just her. That was okay though, I have dealt with this situation before and I understand my place in life far too well to let it upset me.

6/10/99 - 2:35 am I hate stupid people!!! I went to drop of my film from vacation tonight and got stuck behind a mother and her two daughters dropping off eight rolls of film. That wouldn't have been so bad if they wouldn't have taken forever filling out the envelopes. First they decide to put a pager number in the "phone number" space... why would you do that? Then the youngest one, who was supposedly copying exactly what the older one was putting on the envelopes, forgot to put something very important on the ones she was filling out. Of course no one realized that until after they put them in the box. When the older sister tried to get them out, a couple of the rolls fell out of the envelopes... why you wonder.... because mom licked the envelopes exactly like the very clear instructions on the envelopes told her not to do. So basically what should have taken me a minute took me 20. I seem to be surrounded by people that just can't get certain things right no matter how obvious the answer is.

6/11/99 - 3:35 am Well, I worked for a few hours yesterday but still don't have a real job. I was dead tired after working in the sun all day so last night was pretty much boring, but tonight was pretty good. A friend came over tonight and we drank a little so we had a pretty good time. Another friend called me and invited me over to her place to drink and I just got back from that. I had a really good time eventhough we didn't actually do a lot of heavy drinking. We just talked about a lot of different things and had some fun. Tonight was one of those nights that keeps me going.

6/14/99 - 12:37 am Its been a fairly boring past couple of days. I've gotten to spend some time with several friends that I haven't been around much lately so I have been happy about that. That's the high point of my life right now. The job hunt continues, the happiness hunt continues, pretty much everything continues like it has been. A couple good things have happened over the past few days and I'm clinging to them for dear life. I think I'll be heading home in the next couple days, I need to get my lacrosse stick so I can throw with someone that has only recently discovered the joys of the game. Other than that, I haven't had a dream other than my nightmare since I've been back. I think it's the heat, I've woken up every morning around 7am and it's 79 degrees in my apartment already. Time to go...

6/17/99 - 2:31 am Okay, I went home yesterday for the sole purpose of getting my lacrosse stick, which may seem a bit foolish to some, but I had my reasons. While I was home I got to see Austin Powers with a friend. It wasn't the best movie, but it was funny, and I did get to spend time with that friend. I was pretty tired when I got home from that and went to bed around 10:30pm. Of course I woke up about an hour later and couldn't fall back to sleep. During the 5 hours that I lay awake I did a lot of thinking. Basically I was remembering all the things I have been missing over the past few years, those little things that people sometimes take for granted. Some people seem to find new relationships so quickly that they probably don't miss the little things like I do. Of course, there are a great many people that don't even deserve those little things... but that's an entirely different rant. I'm sure I'll find the completeness that I'm missing one of these days.

6/21/99 - 2:20 am Overall, my weekend was pretty good. I haven't actually done anything since Friday night except do my laundry, but Friday night was good enough to make my weekend. I went out drinking around 6pm with a friend and had some damn good wings. Two pitchers and one shot later, I was home buying a six pack and getting ready to go to a party. The party wasn't as productive as hoped, but it was still a good time. The friend that invited me to that party had an interview for a new job a few days ago and did very well, I'm quite certain that she'll get the job. Basically, everyone of importance in my life is doing pretty well right now. The money may be a little short for some of them, but as far as relationships go, they all have what they want or have a good lead on it. As for me, I need help. It seems like my best and only chance is a "set up" from a friend. Speaking of friends, finally got my pictures back from the beach and they look pretty good. Have them scanned already and will be doing a new page for them soon. Last thing... now that my apartment has cooled down a bit, I have been getting better nights rests and my good dreams have finally returned. It's been a while since I've had a good dream so I'm glad they're back.

6/23/99 - 2:45 am It was another gorgeous day here today. I got a call from a friend that I really never expected to hear from again and after she got finished depressing me with how wonderful her life is right now, she asked me for a favor. I knew there had to have been a catch to why she called. The brightest part of my day was getting an unexpected gift from a friend (thanks Doc). Once again, its the small things that keep me going.

6/25/99 - 3:34 am I was woken up this morning by a phone call from a friend that I'm supposed to help move this weekend. I thought that he was in Colorado but as it turns out, he got a pretty amazing job down in Florida. He called to make sure I was still available, which I am of course. Even if I didn't owe him, I would help him anyway. Being realistic, Saturday will probably be the last time I ever see him. I say that for several reasons, not least of which being the fact that he's moving to Florida and that he'll be a new husband and father within the next five months. I don't know, I guess that a lot of the people I know are getting to the point in their lives where stability is becoming more important and every new relationship is looked upon as "the one." I seem to be having trouble in both the stability area and with relationships. Today seemed to point that out even more than usual. It seemed like I was forgotten about a lot today... kind of slipped through the cracks. That's something that I've gotten used to, but I have a feeling that it's going to get worse in the coming years. On the bright side... sleep is good.

6/26/99 - 7:41 pm Ever have one of those days that just makes you want to cut out your heart with a really dull rock and beat it into a pulp for causing you so many problems? Welcome to my day. Got up this morning to help a friend of mine pack for his move to Florida. He's got a great new job, new house, fiance, and a baby on the way. To be honest, I wish I were him right now. I could probably do without the baby part, but ya never know. Chances are that I'll never see him again but I'm quite certain that we'll keep in touch for a while. We did have some good conversations while we were loading up the truck... mostly about porn or porn related, but they were good nonetheless. Nothing like "big breasts or huge breasts... which are better," we got a bit more philosophical and political than that. After discussing that the size of a man's porn collection is inversely proportional to the length of his current relationship, my friend says "we need to find you a girlfriend." My friend, being a master of the obvious, is right of course, I'm sure as hell not going to find one on my own. After seeing them off I headed back to MD for a baseball game on Sunday and a dental appointment on Monday. I got in around 7:20pm and given that this "thought" says "7:41pm" you know things went down hill rather quickly. After a brief but genuinely pleasant chat about how things are going with me and with all of my friends, mother decides to say that I need to be more "aggressive" when it comes to women. That was triggered by something I had said regarding one of my friends, which once again should teach me to keep my yap shut. Anyway, before I could escape the impending onslaught of poorly phrased "support" she says that she doesn't know what my problems with women are but that a "counselor" might be able to help. So now I'm up in my room writing this... wondering when she'll give me a "Dating for Dummies" book.

6/27/99 - 12:41 am Exactly 5 hours since I wrote something for this page and since then I've gotten some advice. Basically it was to ignore my mother, advice I would gladly follow if I could. As it is now, I try to walk away when she starts saying certain things but she usually follows me and calls me "immature" for doing so. I've asked her, told her, not to talk about certain things but that doesn't work. I'd tell her how she makes me feel but a few years ago I promised my father that I'd never say anything that would hurt her... and telling her would most certainly do that. So the advice is being listened to to some extent I guess... but I don't think I'll ever be able to completely ignore her. To ignore some of the things she says is just not possible for me. I'd have to harden my heart and just not care, and I am unwilling and unable to do that. There is a bright spot to all this... with every hurtful word that she says she strengthens my resolve and increases the certainty that I won't have to hear those kinds of words again. Nil desperandum.

6/28/99 - 10:12 pm Well, it feels pretty good to be back in town. I just got finished typing the above two entries that I wrote while I was at home so I'm a little tired of typing. Got off the phone with someone from my past a little bit ago, it's funny how she always call right after I have a positive dream about her. We had a good talk, she is doing well with the exception of the major annoyance in her life. Hrm... what else... I got back in town around 6:30pm and that wasn't a moment too soon. I was confronted again this morning by my mother but was unable to escape since I was already in my room. Just had to sit there and try not to saying anything back to her. Managed to get out of the house and do some things that needed to be done and cheered myself up in the process. And that was my day.

7/2/99 - 1:45 am Hrm... this is my first drunken update in a while... not counting the ones from the beach. I went down to Fairmont today and picked up our new puppy... and boy is she cute. I really wish I could have pets here... I think I'd get a cat... but it was nice having something here even if only for a day. Went out for a short while with a friend tonight. I haven't seen her in a while, let alone spent time with her, so it was nice. One funny thing did happen tonight... but not "haha" funny... more like ironic funny. Just made me think I guess. I've asked for help in that area but it doesn't look like anyone heard me, let alone done anything. So be it, it was my fault thinking they were even remotely like me.

7/4/99 - 1:12 am Part of today was really good... I spent some time with the person that made me so happy all those years ago. We ate lunch together then went shopping, just like we used to. It was nice to revisit those memories for real insted of in my head. Other than that, today turned out much like I expected it to... very boring and lonely. Made a couple phone calls today and found out some unsurprising things. The pic that I was asked to remove last week will be put back up when I get back in town. As expected, the reason for removing it was proven incorrect. Also found out that a friend lied to some other friends and did something rather cruel. Unfortunately, some of us had seen that coming too. I was also told today that my last post didn't make any sense, so for the person that said that, here are two hints: the last five sentences are all related, and I gave you a hint to what was "ironic" while you were here today. After a nice walk in the park and going to see Star Wars again my day is finally over.

7/6/99 - 2:12 am Well, I'm back in Mo'town after a fairly good weekend in MD. The 4th was a pretty good day... spent time at a friend's house, drank a little, then went and saw the fireworks. Yes, a couple of things could have happened to make it better... but the chances of me finding myself in a relationship and it suddenly dropping from 100 degrees to 70 degrees right before we went to see the fireworks were fairly remote. I also found out that I won't be putting that pic back up, but only because the person in question in the pic asked me not to. I did get some more pics while I was home and got them scanned tonight, so they should be up in a few days. Lots more to say but I'm either not allowed to or don't want to bore anyone.

7/12/99 - 2:33 am Been one of them weekends. I'm tired. Tired of hoping, tired of dreaming, tired of wanting, tired of waiting. Tired of giving counsel to others, tired of not being able to counsel myself. Tired of hearing only my voice when I'm awake, tired of hearing the other voices when I'm asleep. Tired of having a heart that feels so full, tired of having a soul that feels so empty. Tired of knowing the joy I could bring to others, tired of having no joy of my own. Just tired of being.

7/15/99 - 3:18 am The last couple of days have been okay, but only because I've gotten some work in. I've taken to worrying about people again, actually only one person. I keep telling myself that I'm worrying over nothing, that I'm making too much out of what I see, but my gut is saying that something is wrong. As for me, my pleas have still gone unanswered and those two glimmers of hope that I had stopped writting me. Geez... this page has been amazingly depressing as of late, got to try harder to change that. I guess I should end on a bright note... I did have a few beers over at a friend's new house Monday night. I was the only one drinking, and all we did was watch tv and laugh a bit, but I had fun.

7/16/99 - 2:29 am After an hour and a half of sleep last night you'd think I'd be dead tired right? Wrong... I'm not tired, not at all. As I look back on the events of today and further back on the events of the recent school year, I can only wonder how I could have been so fucking stupid. I cling to a select number of things in my life that help me survive... my friends, my pictures, and my happy memories. Friends come and go, and pictures can fade or get lost, but happy memories... I never thought I could lose them. As with so many things in life, I couldn't be more wrong. I have no idea what I've done to deserve this kind of torture, but I'm about out of strength to fight it. Just about anyone that knows me knows that I'm a pretty nice guy. Yes, I've made my mistakes and I have hurt people, but I am still one of the kindest and most giving people I know. Despite all of this I still get screwed out of life's most basic joys. I've even put away that little voice that kept telling me "you're fucking kidding, right?" I allowed myself some optimism for once insted of my usual realistic view, but what did that get me... a thousand times more pain than if I would have just listened to that little voice. But I'm not going to give up... I may be a fool for doing so, but I still have my hopes. I refuse to believe that the lying, cheating scum of this world are allowed happiness while people like me are abused for their kindness. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing though. I'll help whoever I can, listen to anyone that wants to talk, do what it takes to make as many people as happy as possible, if only for the hope that someone, somewhere down the road, maybe not even remembering my name says "he was a really nice guy."

7/21/99 - 2:43 am The events of this past weekend and events since then are still weighing heavily on my mind. I just can't get past certain things, and I don't know if I ever will. I am very worried about my future now, far more than I ever have been before. Everyone else in my life seems to have found someone to spend their time with, in some cases maybe the rest of their lives. While in most cases I am very happy for them, the events of this past weekend have taken away my ability to cope with my situation in the light of their's. Tons more to say, but I just don't have the will.

7/22/99 - 2:23 am Today was a day, but the next two days are not looking good. My phone rang three times today, which was more than it's rang in the past week. Two of the calls were particularly difficult, but at least one of them was a welcomed surprise. Nothing more for now, but perhaps much more later.

7/23/99 - 3:46 am Not as bad of a day as I had thought it would be. Been talking to someone new online and have been having some pretty good conversations. She did scare me tonight when she sent me a very short letter and made me think that she'd never speak to me again. She was kidding of course but it was the first letter since she'd seen my page and I thought she was serious. Anyway, I did get to go out with some friends tonight which was nice. I had an okay time I guess, just don't like being in that situation. Well, time for bed again I guess... been there once already but couldn't sleep.

7/26/99 - 2:39 am Okay, if it weren't for a certain person making one of my friends cry hysterically and making another friend extremely angry, the past couple of days would have been great. I went out Friday night with the same two friends and got pretty messed up. I left a little early because I was feeling a bit down and I figured that a third pitcher wasn't going to help me any. By the time I made it back here I wasn't happy at all but then I checked my email and felt a whole lot better. Saturday the three of us went to see "Haunting" and it wasn't too bad. Today was pretty low key until I got a call around 10:30pm from my crying friend. I don't like it when people hurt my friends, but the person that hurt her really doesn't have to worry about me, he has much... bigger... problems ;)

7/28/99 - 4:39 am I was in bed fairly early tonight but now I'm back up. I had all these things I wanted to say but now I can't, only because I don't want my words to be a burden on anyone else. I guess that's the irony in all this, for all the help I need, I'm still not going to jeopardize anyone else's happiness to get it.

8/2/99 - 10:49 pm It's been a few days since my last update and nothing has changed. I've gotten very little email in the past few days, but I did get a couple letters today that made me feel better. I've also spent some time with some friends since I've been home and I guess that's been good. All in all this week is going exactly like I was expecting it to, we'll just see if the weekend happens like I think it will.

8/4/99 - 11:49 pm The week continues just as I thought it would. To fight off the boredom I rented a couple movies last night... one of which was "The Avengers." I knew it wasn't going to be a great movie, but I didn't think it would cause my VCR to shutdown. It's probably coincidence, but immediately after I ejected the tape, the VCR went dead... not even the clock was on. You'd think that at least one of the three stars in the movie would have said "this script sucks" at some point during the filming. Sean Connery has had a few flops in his time, but damn... this is the worst of them all. Hrm... what else... that's it I guess.

8/8/99 - 2:36 am Yup, I'm good, I'm just that good... I think I'm going to start one of those psychic hotlines and put my talents to good use. As expected, my week ended exactly like I thought it would, and it has helped me clear up a few things. Nf vg gheaf bhg, V jnf evtug gb yrffra gur gvzr ba gur pybpx. Gur bevtvany gvzr jnf frg ol jung jnf erznvavat bs zl bcgvzvfgvp fvqr. Jung jnf yrsg bs gung fvqr jnf qrfgeblrq ba Whyl 15gu naq nyy gung erznvaf abj vf ernyvfz. Jung vf fgvyy hapyrne vf jung jvyy unccra jura gur pybpx qbrf uvg mreb. V unir guerr bcgvbaf nf sne nf V pna svther. Svefg, yrg guvatf tb nf gurl ner naq cybq nybat yvxr n tbbq yvggyr jnaanor. Frpbaq, yrg guvatf nybar ntnva, ohg or fngvfsvrq jvgu gur unccvarff V'ir oebhtug bguref, naq obj bhg bs guvf enpr dhvrgyl. Guveq, jryy... V jba'g fnl gur guveq bcgvba bhg ybhq. Jr'yy whfg fnl gung nyy gubfr crbcyr gung unir orra xvaq gb zr, ubarfg jvgu zr, urycrq zr va zl gvzr bs arrq, naq whfg orra nyy-nebhaq fgnaq-hc sevraqf jvyy trg rknpgyl jung gurl qrfreir. V'z abg fher juvpu bcgvba vf ybbxvat gur orfg ng gur zbzrag, naq V pbhyq svther bhg nabgure bar va gur qnlf nurnq. Vgf nznmvat ubj lbh pna gnxr bar unccl zrzbel, ernyvmr vg jnf n yvr, naq unir vg nygre lbhe ragver jnl bs guvaxvat. Oh well. And to think, with a little help and maybe some luck, it could all be fixed. Whoa, I just realized what date it is... what irony to figure all this stuff out on today of all days.

8/11/99 - 2:40 am Today was a very full and eventful day. Fell asleep around 6am but got up around 7:30am for work. Felt really stupid when I got to the job site because it was right outside my window. We were there to do some clean up work for a house that had recently been torn down. The house that was torn down was the one that has been right outside my bedroom window, blocking my view, since I moved in here. You'd think I would have noticed a missing house, but noooo.... not me. After I got back from that I got a phone call about a possible job from a friend. I called who I was supposed to and he made it sound like a sure thing so long as "no one objects" as he put it. That bit of good news plus the job opening I happened upon yesterday has made for an okay couple of days. Of course then I had to hear about the shootings in Los Angles. The other shootings that have happened in the past couple years have, as odd as this sounds, made more sense. Unpopular or unhappy students shooting other students makes some kind of sense. A deranged man shooting a bunch of people that were involved in him losing thousands of dollars makes some kind of sense. A 40 year old man shooting at a bunch of kids at a community center just makes no sense. They just released the suspect's name about an hour ago but they have no idea about a motive yet. The world is getting scarier and scarier by the day. The only other thing of importance is that no one has passed my test yet, and somehow I doubt anyone will.

8/13/99 - 2:52 am I got a lot done today and I thought that tonight may have been good, but as usual, it wasn't. Might as well do it this way again. Qrfcvgr ubj onqyl crbcyr unir uheg zr V fgvyy srry sbe gurz naq jbeel nobhg gurz. V jrne n gubhfnaq fpnef ba zl urneg ohg V nyjnlf frrz gb unir ebbz sbe bar zber, riragubhtu V gel gb cebgrpg zlfrys sebz gurz. Vgf gbhtu gb ybbx vagb fbzr bs gur rlrf gung V qb, xabjvat jung bapr jnf, jung pbhyq unir orra, jung jvyy arire or, naq jung frpergf gurl ubyq sebz zr. V'z fgvyy univat ceboyrzf qrnyvat jvgu gung jubyr guvat, ohg vg jnf zl snhyg sbe ubyqvat ba fb gvtug gb gung ubcr. V'ir unq guvatf nssrpg zr yvxr guvf orsber, ohg V jnf zhpu fgebatre gura. V'z fgvyy unhagrq ol zl avtugzner ohg nf onq nf vg vf, vgf arire punatrq zr fb qenfgvpnyyl. V'z qbja gb rngvat nobhg bapr rirel pbhcyr qnlf, juvpu vf onq V xabj, ohg V'z whfg abg uhatel. Gur jbefg guvat vf gung V fgneg pelvat sbe ab ernfba. Gurer znl or n gevttre V'z abg njner bs ohg V jnf qevivat onpx urer gur bgure qnl naq whfg fgnegrq sbe ab ernfba. V jnf va gur znyy gnyxvat gb n sevraq lrfgreqnl naq vg unccrarq ntnva, naq jr jrer gnyxvat nobhg fbzrguvat tbbq. Vgf cebonoyl fbzrbar gelvat gb gryy zr fbzrguvat yvxr V whfg arrq gb trg vg bire jvgu orsber V pnhfr na nppvqrag. On a lighter note... the movie that is on Sci-Fi right now is really bugging me. Its one of those nature disaster movies called "Comet" or "Asteroid" or "Big Rock Gonna Hit Earth" or something lame like that. I've seen it before but it still bugs me. At the end of the movie, after an entire city is destroyed by an asteroid and thousands of people die, this one kid decides to walk to where the asteroid hit. His grandfather already fell down a huge hole and he had to leave him, and the city is still on fire. So what happens... the main characters have to risk their asses to save this kid. Not only does the kid walk to the crater, but he walks INTO it. It's on fire and deep as hell and this kid walks into it!!! Who wrote this script?!?!?! I'm all for saving the innocent, weak, and helpless... but NOT the stupid!! If the kid hasn't learned NOT to walk towards a huge fire and a gigantic hole in the ground, now is a good time for him to learn. Again... who wrote this script?!?! Okay... I feel better now... stupid freaking kid....

8/16/99 - 2:45 am It was a long weekend waiting for Monday to come around. I talked to a lot of new people on the computer this weekend, all of them very nice. I also talked to some of my usual people, and I'm a bit worried about some of them. As for the real world, things were very lonely, phone only rang a couple times. I did get a call from someone on The List which made me pretty happy. With any luck I'll see her sometime soon... lord knows I need to. This is the last week before classes, lets hope its a good one.

8/20/99 - 12:13 am Well, classes start in three days and I don't think I've even been so ready for them. I spent the first three days of this week training for my new job, so today was my first real day, and I loved every second of it. I work with some pretty amazing people, every single one of them is younger than I am but I don't mind. I'm not going to say that things are turning around for me because I don't want to jinx it, but things are at least better. After work I went over to a friend's house and drank a bit to unwind, which was very welcome because I haven't done that in a long while. I was/am worried about one person though. I think I know her well enough that I know she'll get through it just fine, but I still don't like the way she was treated tonight. Okay, time for bed, and for once I get to go to bed happy.

8/25/99 - 12:05 am Well, the first two days of classes have been a rather large success. I like all of my professors, even if some of the classes don't seem like much fun, and books this year might actually be fairly cheap. Work is going very well and is going to help me with classes, at least up until mid-October when they don't need me anymore. Socially, I finally got to talk to someone on the phone that I've been talking to for a while now. She sounds like someone I'd like to get to know, but she seems to be very busy. She did seem to get very busy the very day that she saw my page for the first time, but she has continued to write me, so I'm trying to be optimistic. Of course I'm willing to settle for someone to hang out and have fun with since I seem to be running very low on available friends. I've also been having a reoccurring dream lately that's been bothering me. Nf hfhny vgf abguvat rkcyvpvgyl frkhny, ohg vg qbrf vaibyir fyrrcvat jvgu crbcyr. Va zl qernz V'z va orq jvgu fbzrbar, ohg V qba'g xabj jub fur vf. Ure onpx vf gb zr, zl nez vf nebhaq ure, naq V pna fzryy ure unve. Fur arire fnlf nalguvat be zbirf gung zhpu. Vg srryf yvxr n cerggl tbbq qernz, ng yrnfg hagvy V jnxr hc. Gung'f jura gur natre naq fnqarff perrc onpx va, natre ng gubfr gung qb abg qrfreir gb unir fbzrbar yvxr gung, naq fnqarff orpnhfr gur barf gung qrfreir vg zbfg pna'g unir vg. Gur qernz vf n avpr qvirefvba sebz zl avtugzner, ohg vg unf abg tbggra evq bs vg. Fb qrfcvgr zl wbo, zl pynffrf, naq gur arj crbcyr V'z zrrgvat, gur pybpx vf fgvyy gvpxvat. No one has passed my test yet, but I think one person has figured it out, which is very sad on several levels. Oh well, on a brighter note, this weekend should be very good.

8/26/99 - 12:37 am It was another long and tiring day, but a very good one nonetheless. My 8am class is going to pose more of a challange than I had first thought, but only because my professor seems to be lacking in anything resembling an organized thought. We spent 50 minutes talking about nothing testable and he didn't write a single word on the board. I think I actually came out of that class a bit dumber. The rest of my day went far better, but that wouldn't have taken much. I learned some new things about a few people today, things that may be very good in the long run. Anyway, time for bed.

8/28/99 - 3:36 am Company is here, but things just don't feel right. It feels like the last time I had company... they're here and it feels better, but not as good as it used to. I think I know why, and in all honesty, its okay with me. I'm here to make people feel better, to give them a break, to allow them a moment away from the stresses of their lives. At least with this company I can feel more relaxed. I don't have to worry about touching her and wondering if she took it wrong. It feels good to have some contact, any contact, with someone again. It was a long week with moments of joy for me, but as usual, they were all too short lived. So, for a little while longer, I remain to make other people as happy as I can. Everyone, having taken the test, have proven themselves to me in that most important of ways. We will see what the rest of the weekend is like.

8/29/99 - 11:49 pm Well, it was a very interesting weekend, but a little more unhappy than I would have liked. I never realized exactly how much I am still stuck in the past until last night. Still, it felt good having her here. Today was a pretty good day until I got bored and went down to Summit to talk to some people. Someone there told me that she thought it was "really funny" that a friend of mine tried to set us up last semester. She said it in a nice way, but its never easy hearing someone laugh at the mere suggestion of going out with you. Oh well... tomorrow is another day.

9/1/99 - 9:23 pm Today was one of the longest days I've had in a long time... got up at 6:30am, left at 7:30am, and didn't set foot in this place again until 7:40pm. I got through all of my classes, even the one where my professor spent 50 minutes answering one question that had nothing to do with class, and I did well on a Latin quiz. Managed to survive work without killing any of the stupid people that called me, and even went out with a couple friends for a beer and food afterwards. All in all, a nearly perfect day, it was just missing one thing...

9/8/99 - 11:30 pm Been a week since I've updated this page, and a very busy week its been. Classes are going very well this semester, mostly due to some good professors and a job that I love. Last weekend was pretty decent although it was about two kinds of frustrating and a hundred kinds of difficult. Unfortunately, this weekend is looking worse. Its our first home game and if I want to go I have to make a choice between intruding on a couple, or going by myself. Not sure what I'll do, but I do know that I don't want to miss it. Other things... its been a month since I first posted the test and no one has passed it, but events as of late have almost rendered it moot anyway... almost. Oh well... time for bed...

9/12/99 - 11:52 am It was another enlightening weekend for me. Friday night went as expected but not as hoped. Saturday started with a very long wait at the PRT station which caused me to miss part of the pre-game show... which is my favorite part of the football games. Of all the days that you'd expect the school to have the PRT working correctly, it would be for the first home game of the year. I made it through halftime as planned, but I should have left earlier. I didn't think to wear sunblock so now I'm half burnt and the halftime show was disappointing anyway. The band only did two songs and one of them was written by Yanni, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the band's director didn't even give credit to him. Then there was the fact that I went to the game by myself... something I will never do again... half a game was all I could take. Saturday night was like so many of my Saturday nights... except this time I went to be very early in an attempt to end the day quickly. Then there was today... boring but productive... which is the one good thing about how I live, lots of time to get stuff done.

9/17/99 - 3:03 am Its been a long week. I still haven't had a test this semester so I shouldn't complain, but this week was still very long. I did go out tonight and had a few drinks... okay... I had a lot to drink, but I really needed it. My life still hasn't changed like I've wanted it to, but thankfully there are nights like tonight when I get to kill off all those optimistic brain cells. I am not looking forward to this weekend, I foresee far too much pain and absolutely no pleasure... I wish I had a reason to stay here, but short of bribing someone to go out with me, I have no reason. On the bright side, tomorrow I get to help someone... and there's only 178 days left until things change for the better.

9/20/99 - 12:45 am I have absolutely no idea how to describe my weekend... best to leave it at that. Came home to a message on my voicemail... someone asking for help. Called her back... she expected me to help her with 20 math problems... check that, she expected me to do them for her. As soon as I got done telling her "no" she suddenly had to go... which makes me wonder how she was going to get the questions to me in the first place since she's over 200 miles away. A strangely appropriate end to my weekend.

9/27/99 - 1:38am What a difference a week can make. Yes, that's right, believe it or not, last week was pretty good and things are going fairly well for me right now. Went out both Thursday and Friday night and drank for free (thanks Doc). Spent Saturday with a couple of friends and had a message waiting for me about a probable job when I got back. Then there was today... got offered another job which is just a continuation of the job I have now, only with more responsibility and better pay. So basically, things are good, nearly perfect in fact, only one thing missing.

9/29/99 - 1:27 am It's hot in my room... too damn hot for 1:30 in the morning. For some unknown reason, my landlord decided to turn off the AC a few days ago and now the only way I have to cool down is to open the window... which isn't helping. What a difference a day can make... both in temperature and in life. Yesterday was a great day, I had a test that was beyond easy, work was great, and I even did something that I've been wanting do do for about a week. Once again, I should have known better, I should have known not to trust anything that I was told. I walked away from doing what I wanted to do hoping that I wasn't being lied to, but knowing that I had been. I have no idea how or why hope remains with me, even now I'm hoping I'm wrong. Bxnl, V yvr, V xabj jul V pyvat gb ubcr, vg xrrcf zr nyvir sbe n yvggyr juvyr ybatre. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, at least I have work to look forward to.

10/3/99 - 1:28 am I was such a long day. Got up at 9 am after a rather light night of drinking. Went to a friend's house to drink a little before the game. Went to the game. We lost the game... no big surprise. Came home for a bit then back over to the friend's house. Then we left for a party... one of the best parties I've been to in a long time. What made it so fun was the fact that just about everyone there was a computer geek of some type. Now, twenty shots and 6 hours later, I'm back here at home. A thousand things ran through my head tonight, everything thing from my morals, to my romantic side, to being with the one that I want most. Of course I have no idea who she is. Right now she lives in my dreams, never having a face or a voice, but constantly changing hair color and length. I seem to have spent countless nights holding her in my arms, feeling her next to me, only to wake up once again. I've never really believed in past lives, but if they do exist, I think that's where she's from, she certainly isn't from this one. Oh well, maybe I'll dream about her tonight.

10/4/99 - 11:17 pm Not too much to say about today except that it was a normal day. Classes were fine and work went well as usual. I did have one person call me 6 times today about her connection. Something tells me its going to be a long time before someone gets to her ;) Time for bed.

10/8/99 - 12:17 am Two tests down, one to go. First one was too long, the second was too easy, and I have no idea what's going to be on the third. I'll be glad when tomorrow is over with. Just wish I had something to do this weekend.

10/12/99 - 2:03 am I am so not tired right now. My weekend was okay... my plan to get very very drunk on Friday night didn't happen due to a rather painful headache. After that horrible test I had Friday morning I really needed to relax, and headaches don't help. Saturday wasn't too bad... went to the new Old Navy store with a couple friends then went out an played pool later that night. I really missed playing pool. Sunday was a rather boring day spent waiting for something. Actually, I'm still waiting and I don't know why... most people would have gotten the message by now. Anyway, this week should be fairly easy classwise and pretty exciting workwise. I'm looking forward to this weekend because I'm having company. It would be more exciting if our football team didn't suck... but beggars can't be choosers. Guess I'll try going to sleep again...

10/18/99 - 11:11 pm Let's see.... last week wasn't bad... I had fun with my company this weekend... the football team won the game... I got paid twice... and the new job is going very well. Things are almost perfect... almost...

10/22/99 - 12:38 am Just one of them days when you wish people would just be honest with you.

10/24/99 - 1:46 am It was a very long and excessively boring day. I did get to go to dinner with a couple friends, and I did get to go shoot some pool, but that was about it for the good parts. Got a rather upsetting phone call earlier tonight. It wasn't supposed to be upsetting, it just was. I guess it was because I was napping and in the middle of an okay dream about someone when the phone rang, kinda thought it was who I was dreaming about. Turned out to be a friend in need of help. Of course she also told me that a friend of ours got married, news I'm never fond of hearing. At least today didn't turn out like I was expecting it to.

10/24/99 - 10:22 pm Boy, was today an interesting day... I went to the mall to visit a friend at work and ended up being there for about an hour talking to her about her "problem." She started telling me about her "problem" by saying "I'm married" which pretty much made my heart stop. Its only been a week since I've talked to her so for her to suddenly be married would be a bit of a shock. What she meant was that she was married in the figurative sense, seeing as she does live with just her boyfriend. She thinks she wants to be single for a while... which is a total joke since she already has a "crush" on some other guy that she's already kissed a couple times. This is a very familiar pattern with her, screwing up a perfectly good relationship for no real definable reason and immediately heading into another relationship. Then she complains about all the guys that hit on her and how hard it is to stay single.... well boo-fucking-hoo... Don't we just feel horrible for you that you have to beat them off with a stick when there are far more deserving people in this world that practically have to knock someone out with a stick just to get a date. Of course I can't end this rant without mentioning the spineless waste of life that knowingly kissed someone that was already in a relationship. My opinions of these sub-human cowards are well known so I won't talk about him any more. I told her that she should stick with her current boyfriend seeing as she does say he's "perfect." I'm sure we'll talk about this situation again and I'll do what I can to make sure she tells her boyfriend what she's done.

10/28/99 - 7:15 pm Good lord has it been a long week. Work has been the only thing that's kept me this week. I got that test back yesterday that I thought I aced... I ended up with a 33 out of 50. The class average was a 27/50 and there was a curve, but no one thought the test was very fair. The first two questions were trick questions and worth 20% each, and you either got them right or wrong, not partial credit. The professor even admitted that he was "sadistic" on this test... but somehow that didn't make me feel any better. Oh well... at least this weekend is looking good.

10/31/99 - 12:44 am What a difference a new monitor makes. Finally got my new 17<"> monitor today and boy does it ever make a difference. Overall, today was a pretty good day. Went to a party tonight and got extremely drunk (hence some of the drunken ramblings of this update). Of course with drunkeness come dreams of happiness. I keep seeing "her" in my dreams... she still have no face or voice, but she is always there for me. The ever-adaptable me could easily be perfect for anyone, but few could be perfect for me. Wouldn't you know that I know quite a few people that would be perfect for me. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. My final thought for tonight is about the people I work with. I have never been completely comfortable around most people. I usually feel very out of place, either not quite as popular as them, or too single to be out with them. The people I work with are different, I know I'm not as smart as most of them, but I always feel comfortable around them. Thank good for the small things. Well... I guess its time to go... looks like a long week.

11/3/99 - 1:43 am It hasn't been a real good start to this month already. Classes the past two days have been okay but other things seem to have fallen apart. Funny thing is, I didn't think there was anything that could fall apart, not until it happened. The only positive I have right now is work and the people I work with. It felt good to go to work today to help one person only to leave helping five. Yeah, they call me "the computer guy" but what more can I expect out of them... they are freshman after all. Still, work doesn't really change anything, just makes it more bearable. Not looking forward to the rest of this month.

11/6/99 - 1:53 am This long week is finally over. Went out tonight with a couple people. It started out kinda rough, but got much better once we got back to the house and started watching all the drunk people. Still... its going to be a long weekend.

11/8/99 - 2:52 am In everything there is a chance that the unexpected will happen... especially in college football. Sure, we lost, but we lost in the last 5 seconds of the game by two points to the number three team in the country. Okay, that was the good stuff from the weekend. Now, just when you think that you've been lied to as much as possible, that the knife has been driven in as deep as it can go, that your opinion of people can't get any lower... surprise surprise... it does. More salt has been poured into that gaping wound that has been festering for some time now. It was beginning to heal... time was starting to heal even this wound, but now its been made bigger, deeper, and more painful. I should have stuck to my guns and not been so nice before, should never have thought twice before healing myself they way my brain told me to. Of course everyone does eventually get what's coming to them, but that doesn't help me at the moment. Oh well... I guess we'll just wait and see.

11/12/99 - 1:55 am Damn... its been five years. So much has changed in the past five years, lost some friends, gained some friends, even been betrayed by supposed friends. A lot of things are as clear now as they were back then... some things I can't help but remember. This really isn't a bad anniversary... it just makes me remember the way things used to be. This week has been a little annoying... questions about my plans for Thanksgiving have come up a couple times. My parents have had company for a few weeks now and the company will still be there over my break, which leaves me without a bed. On a brighter note... uhm... my friends are all doing well.

11/15/99 - 1:43 am Well... this weekend was one of the most mind-numbingly boring weekends I've ever had. There is a lesson to be learned... never do all of your programs and project ahead of time... that's what I get for not procrastinating :) Oh well... I get paid tomorrow and I have five more days before I have to head home.

11/17/99 - 2:04 am Allow me to quote a good friend of mine... "some peoples kids." Got a call about a half hour ago from a friend. I almost didn't pick up the phone because I didn't recognize the number or the name on the Caller ID. As it turned out, my friend was calling from the house of the guy she is cheating on her boyfriend with. I'm still not totally sure why she called me, although I'm leaning towards "for moral support." She promised that she was going to go home tonight, and I wouldn't believe her if it weren't for the fact that she lives with her boyfriend and not coming home would be a dead giveaway. I don't know why she does this, but it makes me quite angry.

11/23/99 - 10:44 pm Hey... you... you know who I'm talking to... GO HOME!!!!

11/24/99 - 12:26 am First off, the above "thought" was added specifically for one person... the one that seems to enjoy calling me from the house of the guy she is cheating on her boyfriend with. She called right before I wrote that wanting to know the address of my page... so I just had to put something on here just for her. She wrote me an email about it... it was cute but I'm afraid my efforts on behalf of her boyfriend are not working. Anyway, I got back from Frederick earlier today and I was never so happy to be back here. I had a very difficult time sleeping while I was home this time... mostly due to the fact that I wasn't in my bed... I was in the "guest" room with the uncomfortable bed. Why you ask... because our guest was in my room. Not real sure why we have a guest room when the guests don't stay in it. Friday night went as expected... my plans fell through and I spent the evening doing nothing. Saturday I went shopping with a friend and her boyfriend... had a pretty good time. Got yelled at Saturday night by a friend over my decision to not spend T-day with my parents. She also didn't like the fact that I was lying to my parents about my plans for T-day... but its either lie to both of them, or hurt one of them by telling the truth and them having to keep it a secret from the other. Sunday I didn't do a damn thing but wait for the phone to ring... which it never did. Ended up going to see Dogma by myself... an excellent movie. Eventhough it was supposed to be a comedy it parallelled alot of my views on religion. Monday was spent running errands and waiting for the evening to come around. Of course, and as expected, my plans for the evening got cancelled. Wasn't a big deal, nothing about my time home went as planned. Ended up seeing the new James Bond movie tonight with a couple friends... good movie... annoying audience. There were a bunch of annoying kids there... without parents. Oh well... time for bed I think.

11/29/99 - 1:32 am It just wasn't a good day... it started horribly and ended only slightly better. My parents called three times before 11am today... I didn't answer the first two but figured something might be wrong the third time. Nothing was wrong... mother just got worried that my plans for T-day included meeting someone from the Internet and that I had met with foul play. She wants everything her way... if she doesn't want me around for T-day then she shouldn't care what I do instead. The bright spot for today came when a friend asked me to go out with her and a friend. I'm really glad she asked me, but the evening was a mixture of joy and pain. The joy was possibly finding the fire again. The pain is knowing the fire can only burn you and seeing someone possibly give up long-term happiness for a short-term fix. I envy so many people.

12/4/99 - 11:20 pm Well, November is finally over and December has started out with many worries... three things... people actually... The first is one of the people I work with. She's sick and fairly seriously so... serious enough to send her to the hospital during finals week. I'm not totally sure what's wrong with her, I just know I'm worried. The second person is a friend that just seems to be under a lot of stress from various sources. The last person is the now ex-boyfriend of a close friend. I'm not so much worried about him as I feel bad for what's happened. It seems the more deserving of happiness that you are, the more you get screwed over by those that don't deserve happiness but always seem to have it. Hrm... I swear I had more to say but I can't seem to get it out. I guess we'll just have to see what the next 100 days has in store for me.

12/7/99 - 12:04 am Okay people... today wasn't too bad of a day but there is something I need to get off my chest. I guess the best way to vent this one would be in quiz form...

Q: You are a college female and have discovered a lump on your back near your spine. The doctor tells you its nothing to worry about unless it starts growing. In recent months it has started growing, so much so that it is visible when you take off your shirt, and now it is also causing you pain. The doctor now tells you it is malignant and needs to be removed. Do you:
A: Decide against having it removed because its "inconvenient" being so close to the holidays.
B: Decide against having it removed because it may leave a scar.
C: Decide against having it removed because you want to go skiing and surgery would force you to postpone.
D: Decide to have it removed to end the pain and most likely save your ability to walk and live.
E: Answers A, B and C.

The correct answer for those of us with a brain is of course "D," but for those of us that may belong to a sorority, the correct answer could be any of them. I was told about this sorority girl today that has answered this real life question by choosing "E." I have a very difficult time understanding how someone so unbelievably stupid could graduate high school, much less get into college. I might have been able to see her decision if she hadn't gone to the doctor and been told that it's a malignant tumor... but the fact that I have a painful growing lump on my spine is a tough fact to ignore. I don't know if she has a boyfriend or not, but if she does, he's either as stupid as she is, or doesn't give a damn about her. And I'm dying to know if any of her sorority sisters have given her advice on this matter. Given her current choice, either they've told her she's right, or they don't know about it. I really hope they don't know about it because that many stupid people all living in one house has to qualify as an insane asylum or a home for the mentally challenged. Okay... nuff said.

12/14/99 - 11:11 pm Well now... that was a long freakin' day wasn't it? Three finals and 17 hours later I'm a bit less stressed but I still have a headache. My first two finals went okay but I had a nice surprise when I got to my third. Since I was getting an "A" in the class... I didn't have to take the final unless I wanted too... wasn't a tough call. Work was fine but a bit slow with a headache. I went to visit a friend at work but she wasn't there for some reason. Got a call last night about the beach trip this year... the price went up and we need people to go. I've asked three people that I thought could go and two of them have other plans already. There's no point in asking some people because I know they just can't go. Well... only a couple of days left in this semester and part of me doesn't want it to end. I'm not looking forward to my time at home over break, too many bad things and not enough good to balance it out. Just countin the days I guess...

12/19/99 - 3:16 am The semester is finally over and I can't wait for the next one to start. The last couple of days have been pretty interesting. I managed to find some people to invite to the beach, and it looks like they're actually going! I also found out today that someone that I was interested in isn't interested in me... not a surprise... and that the ex-boyfriend of a friend recently found out she was seeing someone else while they were dating. It wasn't a pretty picture when my friend found out that he knew, but he's entitled to be a little angry (understatement). Also went out and played some pool with friends after my original plans fell though. I actually had three sets of people ask me to do stuff tonight... when it rains it pours I guess.

12/23/99 - 12:24 am Well, this is the last update from Mo'town for this year as I'm heading home in about 12 hours. Tonight was a good end to the year here at school. I actually got to go out with my old Stats partner for a while tonight. We talked and enjoyed ourselves, which only makes me wish our schedules were a little more compatible so we could do it more often. Sadly, she seems to get cuter every time I've see her... which does me absolutely no good. So now I'm off to home for about 10 days. Besides having to deal with Christmas and the parents, I'm getting my wisdom teeth yanked... which in retrospect, was a bad decision since I prolly won't be able to drink much for New Years. Okay... dream time.

12/29/99 - 10:57 pm Christmas is finally over and I finally have enough will to update this page a little. I don't feel like elaborating on each day because I don't want to scare anyone, so I'll just do a brief summary.
12/23/99 - Drove home, worked on computers - generally okay day
12/24/99 - Worked on computers, wrapped gifts - sucky day
12/25/99 - Did Christmas stuff - mostly sucky with brief patches of okayedness
12/26/99 - Kept thinking it was Monday, exchanged a gift, worked on a couple computers - pretty sucky day
12/27/99 - Fixed a computer (finally), exchanged gifts - outrageously sucky day
12/28/99 - Dentist appointment, fixed another computer - horridly sucky and painful day
12/29/99 - Dropped off broken car, picked up fixed car, bored in between - an average sucky day
Forecast for the rest of the month - ultra depressing suckfest

12/31/99 - 1:22 am Good lord was it ever a long day!! Woke up at 7:30am, left for PA at 8:45am, and didn't get back here until 9pm... and the vast majority of my day was spent driving. The visit to my grandmother's house was okay, far better than expected actually. The only thing that bothered me was that my mother wanted me to lie to my grandmother about me having a g/f... like my grandmother would remember if I had one or not... she is 83 after all. The visit to my aunt's house was quite interesting as the entire purpose for even going there was to talk to my cousin about the beach trip. It was tough to get her alone so that we could talk about the real details but I finally managed it. As expected, she is not as "naive" as certain people would like me to believe. It took all of 10 seconds to discover that her mother's "oh, she doesn't drink" statement was totally wrong... which I was expecting. We had our conversation about the basics and the only rule that didn't go over 100% perfectly was the "no sex in the hot tub" rule. I was expecting her reaction to that rule, but not my reaction because I suddenly felt really really old. She is 18 and I had no misconceptions about exactly how grown-up she was... but it popped into my head that I can remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, and what I was wearing when I heard that she had been born. I thought I would be able to handle every situation that could come up with her down at the beach... but I might not be able to. If I have a g/f by then (whoa... never heard that little voice in my head laugh so loud before) then I know I'll have no problems dealing with it... even if the g/f doesn't come down with me. So to the few of you that do read this page... any help you can give my in the g/f department would be appreciated. My only major request is that she not be inflatable ;-) Anyway, our conversation was good and I was amazed at how different my cousin is when she's talking to parents and when she's talking to me. Well... I'm exhausted so its off to bed for me.